Role Play: The Trap Of Human Minds

I usually spend a lot of time just thinking. It sounds legit as well as weird at the same time. So the other day, while reading a poem by Walt Whitman, I remembered a friend of mine who had a problem. He used to play imaginary scenarios in his mind most of the times, out of his unfulfilled desires. Now that doesn't really sound odd to introverts like me. We have a habit of travelling inside our minds to multiple worlds that don't exist. But his problem was more than this. He used to try and act like that in the real world. Not a problem, if done alone. But a huge problem, if practised publicly. However, there are numerous people who do this. Perhaps, we all do, at some point. This made me spend a few more days thinking about why we do so. The result-- this post.

Shakespeare has quoted it right:

"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts."

Remember when you were a kid and used to dress up for Fancy Dress competitions, all covered with props? I remember I had to play the role of Mother Teresa once in my school days and I really enjoyed doing it. At the end of the play, several people remarked on how well I had played my part and I liked it. You dress up for the audience, go ahead, gain applauds and appreciation and it makes you feel great. Yes? So sometimes, we humans grow up enjoying this role playing so much that we forget the real character and continue to play different roles that the world invites us to play.

Well, I hadn’t really thought about it that day, but looking back I feel that most of the people in the world are helpless victims of this phenomenon. No, I am not speaking from the point of view of that 7 year old girl who loved playing Mother Teresa. I say this, 20 years later, with complete consciousness and observations over these years. It is a gripping weed that has its roots deep inside our upbringing in the society.

If you look up in the dictionary, you get to know this:

Role Play

/ˈrəʊlpleɪ/

PSYCHOLOGY

unconsciously act out or perform a particular role in accordance with the perceived expectations of society.

That's pretty simple. As kids, you were taught to behave well when elders came to visit you, or vice versa. For a young kid, it is difficult to understand why different behavioural procedures have to be followed when in public, contrary to when all by yourself. As adults, your parents tried your best to make you understand (like their parents did to them) that there are certain norms that you have to follow if you live in the world. Fair enough!                                               

So where’s the problem? Well, a human mind might grow with age, with well distributed sections of logic, emotions and illusions, but the point is it is not easy for the mind to switch between these sections within a defined timeline. So when your instincts tell your brain to behave in a particular way, it does so. But then you realize you have to behave in another way, and your instincts send a completely different message to your brain. While your brain is good at responding to your instinct, over a period of time, it is your instinct which might deceive you from being yourself at times.

This pertains to observations within your spheres in the society. If you have observed someone in a particular position in the society, you succumb to the idea of playing your role towards that person. Now, the idea of societal hierarchies is developed by none other than humans, in the course of evolution. This explains why certain people tend to act feeling inferior to others.

Let's say, there is a social gathering, where people from all possible walks of life are invited to have freely flowing conversations, irrespective of their social status. You happen to meet your ex-colleague who had once been through a traumatic personal relationship, and you had once been an emotional support to this person. When you two meet now, your conversation will take a turn depending on the impressions that both of you still have in your mind regarding each other. While your ex-colleague will try to act as a learner, you might behave like an adviser, subconsciously. The fact is none of you will realize it at that point.

Based on numerous such scenarios, we can roughly classify the concept of role playing into a few categories that I could think of. You could add more, if you can. Like Shakespeare had said about the world being a stage and all men and women playing their parts, I concluded this. Primarily, there can be two major categories:

1. Solo Role Play: 

This is the category which we often come across in our lives. To be honest, all the humans have been doing this at some point of our lives. There could be multiple reasons tracing back to our childhood, adolescence or experiences in the real world. You might have a fantasy about your life, or about the character you should play. You might have an expectation from yourself that you are unable to fulfill. Hence, you tend to play the role of this framed character in the world, among people you know.

Let's say you meet a person and though you are your authentic self, you tend to portray the best version of yourself to them. Not really a problem. While, it is fair enough to pick out the best parts of your traits when you want to leave first impressions(because admit it, we all do it), the problem arises when you never step out of this role and get acquainted to others hiding behind the veil of someone who you are not in reality. This is not only alarming for those who are connected with you, but for yourself as well, in the long run. 

                                                          

The common examples that we see these days are people all over the world who try to make themselves look cool, rebellious and outspoken, when they are not. This is not applicable to those who are really of this kind. But the majority of people are not, and portray this version of themselves to live up to their expectations of an inflated image of themselves-- better and different from others. And they think, it is necessary to be mean and fake in order to prove this. 

If you look around, these people can be found in your common places of work or leisure, or even on social media, where image crafting looks cool. While these people tend to feel good about putting others down and basking in the glory of being rebellious or rational, a few of them can grow up to be the mean superiors or leaders we see around. However, this category is harmless as compared to the second one, because people can choose to ignore and stay at peace with such actors. People who play these kind of roles know that they have a problem, and tend to realize to work upon it, leaning towards the optimistic view of the world.

This brings me to the second, but the harmful category(This is the one to which that friend of mine belongs).

2. Scripted Role Play:

This category of role play is similar to the above solo role play, only higher in intensity, and more brutal. People who tend to have a whole universe of unreal expectations, and are not contented with their own portrayals of characters. They have some serious problems with their own personalities and refuse to acknowledge the same. For them, the world is composed of negativity every where. All people whom they have met are mean and have issues.

They are not willing to look at the brighter side of the world, and tend to keep a record of everybody's shortcomings. Moreover, they have a highly negative feeling of superiority as compared to those around them. As a result, they feel that their surroundings are meant to be a part in their play.

                                                  

This kind of role play is dangerous for everyone. These people will have a complete script in their minds, and because they are not content with themselves playing it, they will roll the script in a crowd, inviting others to play roles in the same. Now one can say, people are fools to play their roles in someone else's script, but the reality is that majority of humans look at everyone with a transparent frame and would believe a stranger.

Let's say, a person X with a script, meets acquaintances. Now X is discontented with his life(or he wants people to think so), finds people mean and brutal(hence, the reflection in his own character), and is always looking for a reason to argue, to prove his point and to bring others down. But he is tired of doing this alone. So, he brings forward a story, concerning characters or ideas that seem interesting, or depressing. He puts out a point and invites others. Unknowingly, most of the humans fall for this trap and behave exactly like X would expect them to. 

Either they would reject his ideas, support them, or bring along new arguments. While none of them realizes why this happens, this is satisfactory for the inflated ego of X, who does not even acknowledge the serious narcissistic behaviour of his own. If I take the example of social media or of global leaders, we find many people behaving like X. Someone said something, someone did something, why not look at the phenomenon with scepticism and pull out swords in the war, like the world would end with it, and react impulsively, out of prejudices, just because you cannot deal with your own shortcomings. They have an affinity for any negative vibration, just like bats can smell blood. Worse, they enjoy it, without resentment. 

This is where the problem lies. We have started witnessing the world as a place full of murders, rapes, deceit, bloodshed, betrayals and lies. No, I do not mean that there is light all around, but certainly there is a need to build trust and faith among the people we live with, among strangers. We need to understand and concentrate on issues that are really important. We need to ensure that we believe there can be a world where we do not look at everything with scepticism. 

You see role play is a natural human tendency, but it is not difficult to control it. Start believing in your own tendency to reach out to others, and help people. Acknowledge when you find kindness. And what you practise, shall come to you. The world is not a place to be caught in traps and be victims of the same, by propagating negativity. You need to shed light on the hope that struggles to breathe, to make this world a better place to live in.

The Window To Infinity

Inability to move forth the barrier

Anxiety in staying chained hither

Musings take hold of my existence

And I attempt to look beyond myself

Unsure whether I am an individual or a species

Baffled at the thoughts that I venture into

Wondering if I contain contradictions

As my breath in these multitudes.

The silence of another night speaks

And I see a universe beyond my window

Perhaps dividing illusions and reality

My courage battles with my darkness

As the Lady of Shalott confronts a curse

The curse that created and destroyed humanity

The galaxies in my mind collide

With all their stars floating around.

I wonder if the beauty I witness hither

Is a paraphernalia of conquests or cobwebs

I stand at crossroads unable to decide

Which road would commence my journey

It isn't a dilemma of choices

Rather a conflict of peaceful nothingness.

And I ponder upon the possible worlds

Arising out of the multiple universes

Driven by a minute they turn at the edge

The turn that results in fatality or paradise

My sword rests rusted for I haven't fought a battle

Long since I let this nothingness engulf me.

So much that my heart is immersed into it

But it still doesn't seem dark or rotten

Perhaps being stagnant isn't always poisonous

I glance beyond this transparent wall between worlds

And I remember all that could be done

Trying to trigger a wave of action

That would finally make me take that one step

Stories that now seem to be tales from Aesop's fables.

Is it a plague or mere laziness of an empty mind

But is the mind really empty or just plaqued by dirt.

Something stirs the silence beneath my window

I watch an old shadow beside the creek

It seems dark yet quite familiar

Beneath my skin blood crawls being aware.

The hooded shadow claims to be death

My senses shudder a bit giving way to anxiety

I wonder if it is too early for me to encounter death

But it laughs at me in cacophony

"Haven't you been close to me so often

All when you celebrated the rush of your senses

When you were a kid who couldn't stop taking risks

Climbing difficult terrains, challenging your sphere

Outside the box that was meant for you

Were you afraid of me then?

No. You sought pleasure in defying me

You lived everyday to disown me

And here after so many years you shiver

At the thought of not having lived

Before you are ready to defy my presence

I enjoy your helplessness but not much

I seem powerless without a contender

As strong as the mountains once explored

As vibrant as the waves once surfed upon

My opponent is now consumed by life

Yet the signs of life are dismal enough

Don't you see I am death and you are life

But we are quite similar to each other

The grass that you walked upon in peace

Never succumbs to fear when it dies and regrows

Nor does the ocean which you looked at in awe

And the horizon atop the peak you ascended

Gives in to die and be born again everyday

Only so you could admire the ecstasy

Of the laws that create and sustain you

You knew all of this when you were a kid

Do humans grow up to be nascent

Or do they forget how fragility is strength

Banging their doors to get acknowledged,

Consumed and get drained of what makes them

For they seem to be foolish enough

To take pride in who they have become

Believing the mirage of their superiority over the universe

Ah! How they build giant abodes

And learn to control technology

Seek pleasure to use it for destruction

Hence exhaust themselves for illusions

Before reality knocks at their boxes 

To take them into nothingness

That constitutes them inside out now

Amusing it is to see how they forget it all.

The universe pours them wine

Portraying illusions of power

And they get lured to believe

Nobody greater than them ever existed

I see you too are getting filled

Up to the brim by this vicious trap"

Death mocks at my shallowness

Leaving me dumbstruck and bewildered

Perhaps this was what the sound of waves say

Or when the wind gushes around wavering through my hair

When I feel small facing the vast ocean

That never takes pride for bringing tornadoes

I had realized this when I struggled to reach

Atop the mountain I admired

Or when I fought my first battle 

Against a ruthless clan on the battlefield

Death had stayed with me

But agreed to bid time for me

Till I had seen all that the world gave me

And here I had ceased to remember

That I exist as the smallest atom

To create a universe with the magic I possess

To exist with continuity until one day

When I need to defy my existence

To justify the existence of eternity of ideas

For I will perish one day

But my musings would remain

Echoing through the wind 

Surpassing lands with enormous waves

Merging into Aurora from the peaks

Perhaps reaching minds that wonder

At a window like this that divides

The worlds of illusions and realities

If the contradictions that make them

Constitute unexplored dimensions

That would make them take that step

To realize that death is not fatal

It is the celebration of a journey

Into a world beyond the unexplored horizon

And all this time when they would have survived

Traversed the journey of life

Death awaited them like a true companion

Through eternity, bringing the peace they sought

Reminding them to live before they die

Perhaps Napoleon would have thought this too

Or Ashoka would have embraced truth once he knew

I wonder if these thoughts are the echoes

Of minds that had once existed here forth

Reaching out to my insomniac mind

When the frequencies collide with my insanity

Hither I stand by the ephemeral window

The wall that merges eternity with pauses

And my sword awaits me to brush off the rust

And plunge my existence into the unknown

Battling towards the end of this journey

For another one accompanies me till the end

To venture into the after life one day 

Death awaits me after I have lived enough

There is a celebration in another galaxy

But I will join it once I have celebrated this carousal

I can look back to this world of illusions

Or step ahead from here like humanity

I exist at both sides of the window

And I wonder where I am at twilight

I stand and my sword clings on the edge

I start, I end, I continue till infinity

I am an individual, I am my species,

I die, I am born, I live to die, I die to live..

Changing Dimensions of Ideologies: The Late Twenties

I was travelling to a city when I met this woman in her thirties. Her demeanor was composed like an elegant woman but her attire made her seem deprived and much older than she might have actually been. An hour later she asked me if I was married. Now that is a question which I am often asked, considering

1. I am a woman in her twenty something in India.

2. I am a woman travelling alone.

Any way, I replied that I wasn't and expected another series of usual remarks/questions which I was ready to respond to but to my surprise I didn't receive any of them. Instead I got to know with a sigh of relief from her that she had just been out of an abusive marriage. She had to get married when she was only 20. She told me how she didn't have the courage or the desire to stand up for herself against domestic violence for almost ten years and considered it normal to abide by whatever happened because that was what she had always been told.

Like a normal human being's limit of keeping quiet till the barrier of patience breaks, this lady also stood up for herself one day and turned her back against her abusive husband. Not many of her family members supported her because she had been married for long and nobody wanted to take up her responsibility. Despite that, she reported her husband's actions and stepped out of the house. I asked her how she managed to survive after that. She told me it was a struggle initially but she learnt how to earn by taking up random household chores and managed to create a group of ten such ladies who work with her.

I could see the sparkle in her eyes as she told me how she manages to earn for herself and for her adopted daughter as well as for those women who need help but are lonely. Out of sheer curiosity I asked her what was the most difficult part of this journey of hers. Her reply surprised me and made me ponder upon so many points that I ended up writing about it. I expected her answer to be something about survival when she was abused or later with making her ends meet.

Instead it was a simple reply that making her accept herself again was the most difficult part. When asked why, she said she had never been taught how to do that. She had been involved in making everybody else happy for her life and loved their acknowledgment of who she should have been, which never left the scope of her breathing as she wanted to be. She didn't even know if that was possible until that was the only thing she could do. However, she said she still wasn't sure if she was contented with who she was now.

Our destinations separated us but she initiated a trail in my hyperactive mind(more because it was past midnight). I kept wondering how a child is taught about ideals, goals, beliefs from the beginning of life and an adult who enters the society, probably in late twenties, is already loaded with a baggage of points to live with in conformity. An opaque circle surrounds our existence and every time we wonder what remains outside this circle, there is a friction and we step back inside. Just like not everything that the society teaches us is right, similarly not everything that the society teaches us is wrong.

However, there exists a gap, between the knowledge that every human being is supposed to live in a way different from every other human being and the belief that every human being is supposed to live just like every other human being. There is a constant battle inside the mind of every human alive on Earth and it is forgotten that genetic diversities are not confined to the cells that constitute our body but extend to the frequencies that our minds emit as well. 

But just like the lady in the story above, we all have a breaking point, where we decide whether to step outside our circle of beliefs if we feel there might be another set of beliefs which could satiate our brimming pools of discontentment. Fair enough, we might have spent slightly less than a quarter of our lives living a set of ideologies which we feel could have another picture and we decide to embrace another set of ideologies which we could get aligned with.                                              

                                                           

Here comes the big question: How are we ever going to be sure whether we have arrived at our set of norms? By norms/ideologies, I don't mean the values which define us(some of them are hardwired into out sub conscious minds and actually make us unique). Neither am I trying to point to the political/religious/social beliefs that we have(because these were not hardwired into our minds, but we embraced them as we grew up according to our needs). I am trying to highlight the point of continuity in our lives when we switch to another pattern of beliefs.

Do you see the flaw here? We 'switch' to another set of beliefs, starting from a point 'zero', restarting as though our previous ideologies which we do not want to follow now, never even existed. Let's say we agree to this, does this whole new set conform to our existence(which till now was in congruence with our past beliefs)? Because we aren't even sure if this set will remain with us till the end of our lives. Obviously no. We are what our story till now has made us. From an optimist's perspective, you could say this is a part of our existence meant to make us learn. From a pessimist's perspective, you could even say that your mistakes would never leave you. 

This is a common phenomenon that we experience in our late twenties. Our minds have outgrown the ideas that we could get from our existing set of ideologies and we have entered a world which is open to be judged by ourselves, rather than our elders. We start doubting our patterns of beliefs and feel that the only way out of this is to escape and adorn a set of beliefs which conforms to our unique genes. No doubt, some of them do so. But we shed behind our existing patterns like one half of ourselves and step inside the new circle with the other half only to feel incomplete, till the day we yearn for another circle. It is a never ending cycle.

However, that's not the root of the problem. The issue is we start afresh only to get trapped in another circle of a new set of norms and then struggle to overcome the friction till we reach the breaking point of our barriers. There we miss the tiny aspect of continuity, of open loops and of shaping ourselves from everything that our minds have absorbed till now.

I could take the crudest example that I can think of. When I was 5, I believed in God and thought that those who didn't are manifestations of devils who are doomed to be burnt in hell. When I was 25, I knew fairly that it was just a point of view if one didn't believe in God and for God, it didn't really matter. Obviously, I no longer hated people who were atheists. In fact, I enjoyed conversing with them because it made me understand more clearly than earlier as to how they think. I still believe in God as I did. However, this did not mean that I shed aside the fact what I had once believed about atheists. In fact, it is this continuity which makes me enter an open loop where I can question what is right or wrong and update my opinions or stick to my own if I find them wrong.

Why does the continuity to accept differences and the fact that we could be changing what we think seem so suffocating when it is natural with our cells evolving every day? The basic idea that we forget is that we are born to get evolved, physically, mentally, emotionally. And how do we implement this? Well for me, I had started this with practicing my contradictions of existing and new ideologies together.

It seemed complex at first but if I now see, it is not only simple but enriching and liberating as well because I never feel trapped inside a circle. I could have hated being with people who had given me bitter experiences in past or my wrong decisions. When I knew they didn't matter as long as I was ready to face challenges, make mistakes and let them go, I was at peace with everything that had ever existed. Another instance, when I was young, I loved to spend time with my friends. As I grew up, I outgrew the whole concept of friendship about being together or dependent. Consequently, I might have friends but I am more of a loner and hardly attend gatherings. 

Being an introvert, I like to spent most of my time alone, working at something or the other. I do step out of this zone, spend time with a few people and then come back to my zone. Neither does it mean that I am being a conformist nor does it mean that I am being a liberal. I am just being myself and it is fair enough to learn so much from the kind of people I observe, surround myself with or meet every day. It is not just late twenties, I would believe that it will continue for the rest of our lives. Of course all the beliefs could be updated. :D 

It isn't going to trap me in any way, as long as I know it is just a matter of continuity. For those who are wondering what was the point of this thought, why not try and step out of your trap. Whether you want to embrace the novelties or stick to your frame is a matter of what you find right or wrong. Any idea that you entertain, any person whom you meet or any place you visit is bound to trigger a thought inside your subconscious whether you acknowledge it or not. More than that, what you read, what you absorb, your language, all of it, affects the way you perceive ideologies.

Imagine if we have a frame through which we can witness our past, present and future all at once, what would we want to choose? It is as wide as this perspective, much like when you stand on the edge of a cliff, you can witness the vast ocean beyond yourself, but when you look back, you can also see the land behind you, like a reflection. You exist in both the places even if they divide the frame. As for the story in the beginning, I am sure at some point the lady will come to terms with who she is too, just like all of us, because it wasn't her story that was the point of this, it was yours, mine, everyone else's that was the point of this thought. 

Keep the loop open!

Inception-- Of A Rendezvous

There are some things in life we seem to cherish only when our continuously ignored desires overcome our rational beliefs. I was undergoing the same thing when they crossed the threshold level in my mind and I finally decided to give into what my heart had been telling me to do since the past few months. Incidentally for me, it was a December night. It had been more than a year since my life had taken the most recent turn and I was on a journey that I pursued to find a destination I would love. I had come far from my history such that I could be ready to dive into the unexpected experiences in life. But I was unable to find a course on my journey. I was unsure of where I had wanted to go, may be not much unsure about the where, but about the how part.
                                               

I had wanted to abandon routine for a while then, my job, my life, my circle(which is confined as such because I don't interact with people regularly)and longed to step out and find out what I had been looking for. I had wanted to shut myself from everywhere to set out on a new journey. 

Well, that isn't easy enough when you have 

1. a stable job , 

2. a dearth of leaves from your workplace, 

3. a bubbling desire to transform the mundane into magic,

4. your parents who are there and get worried if you talk about alienating yourself from the world. (They think you have undergone some Psychological change and ask you to socialize or worse, to get married, neither of which seems like an option to you, because they fear you might leave the routine and escape to the Himalayas, which isn't the case most of the times.)

So this was quite an insight for me to cover. But I wasn't going to a remote village in the Himalayas as my parents would think. I was going to a familiar place, a place that wasn't related to me in any way but which I had always loved, a place which unknowingly reminded me of my roots, of who I used to be when I was a kid. I didn't know if I had questions. I didn't even know if I sought answers. But I had an instinct which drove me to that place, and I had known that I never regretted my impulsive, intuitive actions. I was, at a bus station on a December night, because impulsive decisions don't give you the liberty to adjust the flight or train schedules, and I needed to accept that fact too. I waited for my bus to arrive, of course, enjoying the chill, because December brings warmth to me, for unknown reasons.
                                               
I had to switch two trains and a bus to and that was an intermediate station from where I had to board a bus to reach my destination. As I waited for my bus to arrive, I was engrossed in the book I was reading. It was by my favourite author of course, Paulo Coelho. My intermediate stop was a small but the most prominent and the safest one in the vicinity since it was a small hill station on my way. This wasn't the usual route but my impulsive plan had made me take the longer and the unusual route to reach the place. I wasn't there to visit hill stations for that matter. I was travelling to a place that felt mine and it was just going to be for a day. Amidst the cold night, I was waiting for it to snow but there were no signs of even a single flake.

I decided to take a look around and observe the place. There wasn't much commotion. The only passengers apart from me waiting in the lobby of that bus station were an elderly couple and a woman probably in her late forties. The old couple seemed lost, trying to find comfort and warmth in each other. Yes, it was cold. Just that I loved it much to ignore the fact. The elderly woman asked for a cup of tea and he rose, leaving the shawl for her. The woman noticed me looking at them and smiled. I smiled back and realized I seemed like a stalker, so I shifted my attention towards the woman. She was alone I assumed. I couldn't see her face clearly. Her gaze was fixed at a distance in the dark. I wondered if she thought about things which went on in my mind occasionally, but then sidetracked the idea because it seemed too weird.

It was 9:30 at night and the place already seemed deserted. My bus was expected to arrive in another ten minutes and would take 5 hours to reach my destination. I calculated that I would be just in time for something I didn't want to miss. The announcement for my bus was made at last. I grabbed my bag and headed towards the indicated area. It was going to be a long journey, so I plugged in my earphones and decided to get some rest. It wasn't my hour to sleep but it was my hour to contemplate in the most active form I could. I opened the pages in my mind and wondered what questions wandered in the deepest oceans I had been trying to avoid.

I didn't realize when I had dozed off. It was only when I heard the bus tires screeching that I woke up. Something had gone wrong. The driver informed us that the engine had broken down and it was difficult to get it repaired before morning.We were at the outskirts of the city. I checked the time. It was 2-30 in the morning and dark and cold. I had to reach the Peace Pagoda Monastery by 4-30 in the morning in order to join the prayer. I was going to be in Darjeeling only for a day and I didn't want to miss that. I looked around to check what the other passengers would do in the midst of the wilderness. Most of them decided to wait till the morning. I contemplated upon the lonely half an hour walk to the Monastery from there, the risks involved and the dangers of getting lost in an unknown place.

I gathered courage and decided to walk up to my destination. Just when I had started walking along the hillside, I heard footsteps following me in the dark. I turned around but couldn't see anyone. Baffled, I raced my steps and continued to walk. After almost half an hour of walking, I still couldn't see lights and began to worry a little. It was a hilly forest, an unknown city and its outskirts and I was alone. This could be foolishly unsafe. I wondered where this impulsive decision could lead me just when I heard my name. I got startled. It wasn't obvious for anyone to call me by my name in this place, in the middle of nowhere.                                                                                  

                                                     

Cautiously, I turned again and saw a woman waving at me. She approached me and it was only when she got close enough, I realized that she was the same woman whom I had seen at the bus station. I still couldn't see her face clearly though but I sighed with relief.

As she smiled at me, I blurted with a little anxiety, "Err..do you know the way to Peace Pagoda Monastery from here? I think I am lost and I need to reach over there by 4-30. Could you please help me?"

"I was going the same way. I stay in the Monastery. You aren't lost, you just seem to have taken a circled route around the hill. It doesn't mean you won't get there on time,"

"No, it doesn't mean that", I looked at her intently. Her gaze was different, more like a motherly gaze, but seemed familiar. I couldn't understand why. We started walking, rather I started following her, as if enchanted by her demeanour. She looked elegant in every way, a woman dressed in a simple saree, moving around calmly, with no visible aura of negativity around her. There was silence between us, but it didn't seem awkward. For reasons I didn't know, her presence made all my previous anxieties of being lost, fade away in the mist.

                                                 

And then she chose to break the silence, "What does a 26 year old woman in the middle of this hilly forest far from her world, think about battles?"

Her question surprised me. How could a stranger know about me so accurately. Did she look up for me purposely? I doubted for a minute and then composed myself to look normal and answered, "Well Ma'am, she thinks everyone fights a battle. They just need to know the purpose and their reasons."

"What if they cannot figure them out?", her question startled me again, because that was exactly what I had been thinking all along my journey.

"Eventually everyone does I guess."

"And what do you think about those who can't do it in the moment? Do you think they are lost?"

I didn't know what to answer.

She continued," I guess you know the answer. You just feel reluctant to acknowledge it."

"I am not sure what the answer should be. I feel it is alright to find answers on my own, the way I want. But I survive in a world where timing becomes a crucial factor perhaps. I could talk about battles, winning them, losing them or abandoning them for my own reasons, but nobody knows what will work out in the long run. I may not seem to know what I seek. Or may be I have the answers, but the questions which haunt me ruin them all."

She listened to me without looking back, but stopped and waited till I reached by her side, before she started walking again. My flashlight had turned off. She handed me a small battery-powered light. The wind seemed to creep in through my jacket but that didn't bother me. I had always loved this chill. I couldn't hide my smile. She had noticed it. She broke the silence once again.

"Have you heard the story of a girl who didn't know who she was until she lost a battle?"

I hadn't. I nodded in disagreement.

She continued, "There was this girl in an ancient kingdom. She grew up in the local tribe, but did not know how to fight. She wasn't supposed to join the wars that they fought. Years later, when they started teaching their girls how to fight, she learnt it too. But it wasn't until she found a secret hidden in the hills far away that she realized she could find her sword, and use it to protect her people and win over all the battles. She did find her sword and used that secret. She thought she had found her purpose. That it was all she had to do in her life. Little did she know that the misleading secret had been placed by her enemies purposely because they knew her abilities. And they knew that intoxicating one's thoughts was far more powerful than inflicting a physical injury, if they wanted to win over something."

"By inducing weakened ideas they could affect her mind forever?" I asked.

She nodded and continued,"You are getting there. A thought that is fed by a belief which turns out to be untrue, hampers a complete wave of actions and subsequent abilities. Everything was fine until she entered the battle but lost it."

"But she did have her sword? It wasn't governed by secrets! She knew how to fight, didn't she?"

"I am glad you can realize that. She hadn't been able to for some time. Like all of us. It was only when she felt completely lost and desolate, that she couldn't find a purpose on her journey. She didn't know why she was heading further and didn't understand what she had to seek. But it was then, that she wanted to go on and start over. All she knew was to sharpen her sword and use it. And that didn't require any secrets. She could hate that sword because it had made her forget her skills and rely on a secret which didn't exist. It was a reminder of her mistakes. But she didn't discard it."

I didn't want to interrupt her, but I could imagine myself fighting a battle without a purpose. I didn't know if she was making up that story, but it felt right.

"What happened next?", I couldn't stop myself from asking her.

"Again you know the answer already. She didn't have to discard her abilities or her sword for her mistakes. It is alright to make the wrong choices and not know where to go further. She didn't know what she could do, so she just did what she knew and wanted to do. She sharpened her sword and her abilities, which didn't require any secret. It was more like a penance for years. She felt she was lost but she wasn't. She was just rebuilding herself from the scratch not to fall ever. And then she entered the battlefield again. Of course she won this time. Can you tell me why?"

"Because she knew that it wasn't any magical secret which needed to be known now. Rather, she didn't rely upon it anymore. She only believed in her toiling efforts of valour and strength. She believed in her ability and faith to win, and in her conquest of being lost and found, she knew the journey had been necessary. She endured it all and admired it too", it was my turn to smile now, which she seemed to notice through the faint light.

"Well, it takes a lot to acknowledge this. People seldom find their purpose at the right time, but then all the turns they take lead them where they are supposed to be."

We had reached the gate of the Monastery. She directed me inside and said,"I am sure you will find all your answers within. Peace is what you seek outside, peace is what gets reflected from inside. But if it makes you happy, you can make it a point to visit this place for a single day, any time you like, or Winter if that's how you like it."

"How do you know that about me?" I was in disbelief.

"You know the answer", she replied.

As she said that, it started to snow. It soothened me from within. I had been waiting for it to snow ever since I had entered the vicinity. But listening to the story had made me forget that I had wanted to ask her how she knew so much about me. I directed her flashlight in my hands towards the point where she was supposed to be standing, but there was nobody. I tried to look for her everywhere, but she wasn't there.

The alarm in my phone notified me that it was 4-20 AM. I dropped the idea of finding her. Enlightened, soothened and a bit confused, I joined the prayer. The humming, chanting and praying made me enter a state of trance where I found myself in the middle of the same forest where I had been some time ago. But it was soothing this time. I contemplated upon all my life choices and questions which I hadn't been noticing till now. I knew the answers. As I opened my eyes in the dawn of realizations, I knew it was time to embrace the uncertainties and follow my road wherever it took me. I was going to find my abode and my purpose. It was more like a beginning, rather than an end.

                                           

 

With the blissfully calm Winter aurora, I made it a point to step out of the Monastery and visit my beloved hill station once before I decided to come back for another rendezvous some time. It was a day of peace and contentment. I had to leave at 5 in the evening. I was still wondering about the woman. I thought it would be polite to meet her again and return her flashlight. I returned to the Monastery and asked the Reception Guard, "Do you know where is the lady who lives here? I have something to return to her."

"Madam, We do not have any lady in charge of receiving people who come here."

"No, I was escorted by someone who said she lives here. I had got lost on the outskirts and she helped me find my way till here."

"You must be mistaken Madam. You arrived here last night."

"I didn't! I arrived here in the morning."

"No Madam. You can check your entry". He showed me my credentials with my signature stating the time to be 2-30 AM. I was baffled. I didn't know what to say. I picked up my bag and left from there wondering if everything I had experienced had been a dream.

I smiled at the possibility of such a dream and boarded my train. I decided to make it a point to visit the place nevertheless. As I took my book out of my bag, I found the small flashlight that she had given to me on my way. It still worked!

I turned it around and found the word inscribed, "RENDEZVOUS".

I closed my eyes, pictured her, my journey and my decision to visit the place again and realized--- It hadn't been a dream. It had been the Inception of a series of Rendezvous, may be in another world.