Labels

Sunday 11 December 2016

Let The Soul Wander In Dust



In the late twenties age group of lives, the Y-Generation or the generation from the early 90's as we say, commonly experiences a phenomenon which could be termed as 'Emotional Hedonism' which some people vaguely term as 'Bipolar Disorder'(which is not exactly correct though). These are periodic mood swings ranging from extreme highs to extreme lows, or even the feeling of being social for a minute and then feeling alone in the crowd. One could feel lost and focused at the same time and still experience motivation as well as vagueness.

We could wonder why our parents never had such issues. Perhaps they belonged to a real world which was confined to a sphere they could reach. We, on the other hand, belong to a world which is governed by virtual spheres which have no boundaries. The endlessness of this world makes us feel that we have an unbounded circle of people for us, but in reality, it just secludes us from the fast paced lives and makes us feel alone. Moreover, due to this we tend to forget that there is no such thing as the ultimate happiness or ultimate sadness. Our minds are designed in such a way that when we experience incidents, we tend to feel extreme vibrations of happiness/sadness for a few minutes but after some time, our emotions adjust themselves to our normal levels of happiness, depending upon each individual.  We could wonder why however, we let them affect our normal routines, if the effects are momentary.

When I was a a kid, I used to believe that elders had the answers to all the questions anyone could ever think of. My obvious approach to a problem I couldn't solve was to consult my elders and find a solution based on their perspectives. However, sometimes I wondered if they were correct. Just like me, my elders too would have been dependent on their elders for their beliefs. So it was more of a game of perceptions. As I grew up, I realized that it wasn't just their answers but the approaches as well, that weren't absolute. There couldn't be anyone in this world who knew the answers or perceived everything objectively. We are humans, right? But then I wondered why nobody ever thought of these facts when confronted with questions. If nobody knew the answers, it simply meant that we had to find our own at any point in our lives. Yet sometimes we tend to forget that it is only we who could find the answers, as many as we can.                                                                                        
And this does not(in any way) mean that we need to follow a strict pattern to find our answers. Just as we have unique approaches, so do we have unique answers for every individual. Each one could be driven by one's own karma, one's own beliefs, one's own passions. For some, the answers could lie in a sense of purpose, for others they could exist in another world or universe. However, we have to embark a journey of our own, one that is not driven by anybody else. I believe that anyone who has never been alone for some time and done something to find one's own reflection, needs to do it once before they breathe their last. Because in our last moments, we do not remember people, we do not remember places, but we remember who we had been throughout our lives. It not only teaches us how to find our answers, to the questions that remain stuck through our minds, but also understand our lives, our experiences and ourselves. I have seen different people taking different routes to do so. But talking about the phenomenon I mentioned in the beginning, an impulsive generation like ours, has varied options, distractions as well as layers to travel inside ourselves. This doesn't make it simple though, for those who still want to figure out themselves.                                                 

There are no rules to be followed when we pursue a journey meant to find ourselves. Who knows the rules anyway. I have seen many people following a passion which fulfills them with a sense of achievement and purpose. But for those who have none, there is something that they are still missing out-- the real world. Yes, they need to step out. Change the pattern of life that is followed and move out of it. If not forever, make a change for some time and get to know yourself. How? By getting to know the world that exists outside, the world that you still haven't seen. Step out and travel-- if not to places far away, travel nearby, perhaps to a place in your locality. For once, do not be dependent on Google Maps or Apps that answer your questions. The world still has people who could help you out. Talk to them in the real world.

One could ask how that would help. Well, since I am still an explorer, I answer this as per my observations and experiences. When we step outside, alone, and face strangers, in new places and new situations, listen to them, experience the unexpected; we are not adding to their stories for their sake, we actually witness a part of ourselves that had never appeared before. Imagine how wonderful it is to find a new dimension of yourself and say ,"Hello buddy! Never seen you before" and you get an answer, "I had always been there. Was just waiting to be found." Well, yes that reminds me of the Soul Mate theory too, which I had discussed long back, but it feels more enlightened to find various dimensions within ourselves. The best part is when we remain open to any aspect that we encounter within ourselves, because Hey who knows the rules, and it is our journey.

One thing that I have seen people holding back is fear-- the fear of unknown, the fear of being damaged, the fear of being judged. What I have learnt in my journey is that none of these fears are as huge in reality as they seemed when they held me back. And all that I found out about myself was on the other side of those fears. What is the worse that could happen? I could get lost, broken. Well, till now I have seen myself rising after every defeat, and every time, better than earlier. If we remember that after the extreme incidents, we always regain our normal state of personalities, there is nothing that could happen to us as such. We need not carry the burden of our previous experiences to find out new facets of our lives.

As for the world, opinions always exist, but they say nothing about us, they are a reflection of what people have been through and of what they perceive of our personalities. Correcting them is not our task. They are on their own journeys and need to find out their own answers, because their questions differ. What we need to think about is our courage to accept what we find of ourselves. Because believe me, when the unknown arrives, we have an inner critic continuously reminding us of our boundaries, pulling us back into our spheres, and hindering our creativity to find ourselves. Let's call this critic as 'The Other' inside our minds.

'The Other' can be calmed down, rather made to sit back, by believing that it is only and only our core values that shape our personalities, and not our past behaviours, actions or mistakes and they should never pull us down. As a matter of fact, we need to make as many mistakes as we can and we should. Also, there is no time limit to restrict them. The more we do, the more we learn, especially about ourselves. The freedom from this static ideal of ourselves can do wonders. It can introduce us to our purpose, to things that make us feel alive, not in the momentary sense, but in a stable, gradual manner of growth. Because when we allow this to happen, we start respecting our journey, our mistakes and accept ourselves with our shortcomings. Nothing in the world can match this feeling of authenticity, integrity and individuality that we find to love ourselves.

This finding makes us believe in a magical aura, which strengthens our spirits on our journeys. When we forge our own path, we do not need anybody to fulfill our purpose, because neither do we get trapped into the opinions of others, nor do we please them, and we do not even compare their journeys to ours. We simply follow our intuition and let it guide us into the unknown. We learn to forgive ourselves. The best outcome of this focus is that we not only find our new versions, but we also get compassionate towards others for their mistakes.

That reminds me of a story from the Ancient ages. A little girl in her glory experienced disasters that made her weak. She did not recognize her own abilities. One day a stranger appeared and made her believe that she was the warrior born to conquer the world. She followed him and found that she was courageous, brilliant and compassionate. He made her discover a sword that she used to fight her battles. She won all the battles and believed that his presence made her do so. One day, she lost a battle which shattered her faith in herself. However, a day came when she also got to know that he was a spy from her enemies and intended to damage her using the same sword. She continued on her journey alone and did not reveal the secret to anyone. On her journey, she met people who told her stories that reminded her of her own valour. Gradually, she rose from her flickering ashes and entered the battle field, alone this time. It took time, but eventually she won over all her enemies.

When we read this story, we find a picture of ourselves, blending into our beliefs, our core values, our behaviours. And believe me, the way it works for me, I am sure it does for others too. Making mistakes is not at all wrong, not forgiving ourselves is. We could learn from the mistakes of others, but for the important ones, we need to make them ourselves and take our time to learn from them. How else could we ever plunge ourselves into the Dark Night and find our lights guiding us to who we are.

"If there are storms ahead, I will know how to sail through,
If there is darkness ahead, I will know how to burn and shine.
If there is dust ahead, I will know how to absorb and blow it,
For I will find my dimensions, Only when my soul wanders."
                           
Oh by the way at the end of that story, the girl finds the man among her enemies. When asked what to do with him, she said, "I do not want revenge for his mistakes. He will find about it on his journey. For mine, I am thankful that I got lost and found myself on my own." Guess what, she kept the sword, because her mistakes could not deprive her of the strength she had found, of the breeze she had found when she blew away the dust from her soul.  

Friday 11 November 2016

श्री रामाधार मिश्र(नानाजी) कहते थे



आज मेरे नानाजी का देहान्त हो गया. उम्र तो इतनी अधिक ना थी पर शायद समय आ गया था. मैंने आज से पहले कभी अपने आपको इतना लाचार नहीं पाया कि चाहे कुछ भी कर लूँ पर अंतिम क्रिया के पहले नहीं पहुँच सकती. ऐसे समय में याद आता है कि घर से दूर और अकेले हैं, और कोई मदद भी नहीं कर सकते. एक इच्छा अंतिम दर्शन की. 

बस अब रह रहकर नानाजी के विचार मन में आ रहे हैं, और अपने होश संभालने से अब तक उनकी यादें सामने आ रही हैं. मेरे नानाजी पंडित श्री रामाधार मिश्र जी , बिजावर के एक विशिष्ट नागरिक थे, जिन्हें सिर्फ़ बिजावर में ही नहीं, छतरपुर जिले और बुंदेलखंड क्षेत्र में दूर दराज़ के हिस्सों में भी उनके नाम से पहचाना जाता था. और यह नाम उन्होंने अपनी कर्मठता, सेवा भाव, निष्ठा और ईमानदारी से कमाया था. लोग उन्हें सिर्फ़ एक विख्यात और ईमानदार वकील के रूप में नहीं जानते थे, बल्कि उनके सादा जीवन, दयाभाव और सही रास्ते पर चलने के साहस का आदर भी करते थे. उनके राजनैतिक या कार्यकाल संबंधी किस्से बताने के लिए मैं सही व्यक्ति नहीं हूँ. मैंने उन्हें सिर्फ़ उतना जाना है जितना देखा. अवश्य ही कई ऐसे ज्ञानी, सम्मानीय, और उनके करीबी लोग होंगे जो उनके सुनहरे कार्यकाल पर प्रकाश डालेंगे. मैं तो सिर्फ़ उनकी नातिन हूँ, और उन्हें नानाजी के रूप में ही जाना है. 

जब मैं छोटी थी, तब तो छुट्टियाँ सिर्फ़ नानाजी के घर पर बिताने के लिए होती थीं, माँ जाएँ या नहीं, मैं तो जाती थी. बिजावर का मतलब मेरे लिए बस मौसियों, मामा और भाई-बहनों से मिलना होता था. कभी कभी सुबह हम बच्चे नानाजी के बड़े से फ़ार्म हॉउस घूम आते थे. नानाजी और नानीजी ने वहाँ भी एक मंदिर बनवाया था, हनुमान जी का. मेरे बचपन की धुंधली यादों में उस मंदिर में बैठकर पूजा करना और वापस आते समय फूल लेकर आना अब भी है. नानाजी नियम और वचन के पक्के थे. कोई भी चीज़ उनके नियम नहीं बदल सकती थी. कितनी बार हम बच्चे उन नियमों को बदलने की कोशिश करते थे, पर नानाजी भी तो हमारे ही नानाजी थे. पूजा के बाद घर के सभी लोगों को चन्दन लगाना और आरती देना जब तक नहीं होता था, वे उठते नहीं थे. 

जब नानाजी कोर्ट जाते थे, तो हम बच्चे थोड़ी बहुत शैतानी भी करते थे और हमारी मौसियाँ भी खेलने के साथ हमें खाने के लिए कुछ न कुछ नया बनाकर देती रहती थीं. फ़िर शाम को नानाजी और नानीजी के साथ मंदिर जाना होता था. मंदिर जाने की याद मेरी सबसे सुखद याद है अब तक. हम नानाजी के कोर्ट के सामने से जाते थे. उतने लंबे रास्ते में हर २ कदम पर कोई न कोई उन्हें नमस्कार वकील साहब कहते हुए निकलता था. मेरे मानस पटल पर जानकी निवास मंदिर, मंशापूर्ण मंदिर , खेल का बड़ा मैदान, राम निवास मंदिर, और हनुमान जी की कुटी, और उसके पीछे का बरगद का पेड़ सब अभी तक अंकित हैं. मंदिर के पंडित भी नानाजी को जानते थे. रास्ते में नानाजी पाठ करते जाते थे और नानीजी हमारी धर्मग्रन्थों की जानकारी बढ़ाती जाती थीं, हमारे सवालों का जवाब देकर. नानाजी की बैठक में सैंकड़ों कानून की किताबें थीं. वे नए नियमों और पुराने केसेज़ को ध्यान से पढ़ते थे. बिजावर से जाने के बाद उन्होंने वे सभी किताबें एक लाईब्रेरी को निःशुल्क दान कर दी थीं. कहने लगे कि यहाँ रखने से अच्छा है कोई इनसे पढ़कर कुछ सीख ले. 

नानाजी घर आकर भी घर के हर सदस्य के बारे में पूछते थे, चाहे कोई भी हो. अपने व्यस्त दिन के बाद भी उन्हें अपने सभी बच्चों और उनके भी बच्चों का ध्यान रहता था. सबने भोजन किया या नहीं, किसी की तबियत ठीक नहीं हुई तो उसके पास बैठकर सहलाना नानाजी अक्सर किया करते थे. घर के छोटे बच्चों को तो वे अपने पास ही बैठाकर कहानियाँ सुनवाते थे या खुद सुनाया करते थे. एक धार्मिक पत्रिका है 'कल्याण', जिसका नाम शायद बुज़ुर्ग लोगों ने ही सुना होगा. नानाजी ने उसकी आजीवन सदस्यता लेकर रखी थी.  मेरा पढ़ने का शौक वहाँ  भी काम आया. और फ़िर नानीजी से उन बातों पर लंबे संवाद होते थे, लगता था कि नानाजी सुन नहीं रहे पर जैसे ही हम कुछ गलत बोलते थे वो तुरंत हमें सही करते थे. राजनैतिक मुद्दों पर नानाजी बहुत देर तक चिंतन किया करते थे. नानीजी से तो मैं अब भी बातें कर लेती हूँ, पर नानाजी से जब बातें करने लायक समझ आयी तब तक वे इन मुद्दों पर ज़्यादा नहीं बोलते थे. 

मुझे अच्छी तरह याद है कैसे नानाजी दिन में कोर्ट जाने से पहले भगवान् के पाठ और हवन पूरे करके जाते थे, चाहे भोजन करें या नहीं. उनके राम रक्षा स्तोत्र के श्लोक अब भी मेरे कानों में गूँजते हैं जो वे पूजा के कमरे में बैठकर बिना किसी रुकावट के करते थे. शायद नानाजी का धार्मिक होना घर के सभी लोगों में कुछ मूल्यों को पत्थर की तरह बिठा गया. मुझे याद है जब मैंने स्कूल जाना शुरू किया था. उन दिनों हम जबलपुर में नहीं रहते थे. मेरे पिताजी की पोस्टिंग सागर में थी. और वहाँ से बिजावर बस ६ घंटों की दूरी पर था. तब घर पर लैंडलाइन फ़ोन नहीं था. मैं हर हफ़्ते बिजावर चिट्ठी लिखा करती थी. और नानाजी उसे भोजन के समय ज़ोर से पढ़वाते थे. फ़िर किसी मौसी या नानीजी से जल्दी उसका उत्तर लिखवाते थे. एक हफ़्ते के अंदर मुझे जवाबी चिट्ठी मिल जाती थी. 

ये बात तब की है जब मैं चिट्ठियाँ लिखने के लिए बहुत छोटी थी, शायद ४ या ५ साल की. नानाजी को माँ ने बताया कि मेरा एडमिशन सागर के सबसे अच्छे स्कूल सेंट जोसफ'स कॉन्वेंट में हो गया है. जब अगली छुट्टियों में मैं बिजावर गयी तो नानाजी ने माँ से कहा कि अब ये हिंदी कैसे सीखेगी. मेरी माँ भी उन्हीं की बेटी हैं. उन छुट्टियों में नानीजी ने मुझे हिंदी की गिनती सिखानी शुरू की. जब मैं वापस आयी तो मेरी माँ ने उसे जारी रखा और साथ ही बहुत कुछ सिखाया. अगली छुट्टियों में जब मैं बिजावर गयी तो नानाजी ने सोचा कि पूछा जाए कितना भूल गयी. जब मैंने उन्हें पूरी हिंदी की गिनती सुनाई तो वे खुश हो गए पर उससे भी अधिक ख़ुशी उन्हें तब हुई जब मैंने नानीजी के साथ बैठकर सभी मौसियों के सामने राम रक्षा स्तोत्र संस्कृत में पढ़ा. उसके बाद स्कूल में हमेशा मैंने अपनी हिंदी और संस्कृत सभी से अच्छी पायी. ये हमारे घर के वातावरण का असर कहा जा सकता है कि आज इतने वर्षों बाद भी हिंदी और संस्कृत मुझे नानाजी और नानीजी की उस बात को याद दिलाते हैं और ख़ुशी महसूस करवाते हैं कि मैं कहीं भी पढ़ी, कहीं भी रही, अब भी बिलकुल वही हूँ. नानाजी को मेरे अंग्रेजी वाद-विवाद की रिकॉर्डिंग्स सुनना भी पसंद था. उस पर वे अपने विचार ज़रूर बताते थे. 

मैं जैसे बड़ी होती गयी, मैंने अपने परिवार को और करीब से देखा. मौसियों की शादियाँ, नानाजी और नानीजी का रहन - सहन मैंने बहुत गहराई से जाना. इसीलिए मैंने अपनी  मौसियों में सहेलियाँ पायीं. जब मैं अकेली थी, तब शायद इसीलिए मामा के साथ इतने साल बिताने का समय मिला कि आज भी  उनकी भांजी से ज़्यादा परिवार के बच्चों में उनकी सबसे अच्छी दोस्त हूँ.  कभी कभी मुझे गर्व होता है और ख़ुद को भाग्यशाली महसूस करती हूँ कि मैं और मेरे माता-पिता बिजावर में नानाजी, नानीजी, मौसियों, मामा और अपने भाई-बहनों से सबसे अधिक जुड़े रहे. आज भी लगता है कि वो अपनापन मुझे सबसे बांधे रखता है सुख-दुःख में चाहे हमें मिले हुए कितने भी दिन हो गए हों. 

मैंने नानाजी को बाहरी अनजान लोगों पर दया दिखाते हुए भी बहुत देखा. जब समझ आयी तो मैंने पाया कि हमारे घर में कई बार गरीब लोग दूर दूर से आते थे. दरवाज़ा खोलने पर एक ही रट , "मिश्राजी  वकील साहब से मिलना है."  इन में से कई ऐसे होते थे जिनके पास कोर्ट केस की फीस देने के  पैसे नहीं होते थे, या जो बिजावर के दूसरे लालची वकीलों द्वारा पीड़ित थे. वे नानाजी के पास आते थे. नानाजी  मुफ़्त  में उनकी मदद करते थे क़ाबिल तो वे थे ही(उनकी डिग्री और काम से). मेरी माँ ने वकालत करने से पहले कई बार नानाजी के कागज़ संभाले थे. वे बताती हैं कि नानाजी ने हमें कहकर रखा था कि ऐसे लोगों को भोजन-पानी देना और ज़रूरत के लिए पैसे देना. कई बार  बाहर से आये लोगों को रात का आश्रय भी मिलता था. भूखों के लिए भोजन और भंडारे भी नानाजी अखंड रामायण के साथ करवाते थे. नानाजी कहते थे जितना कर सकते हैं करना चाहिए. उनके  इस नियम का पालन घर में हमेशा किया गया. 

आज यूँ तो आँसू मैंने भी बहाये पर फ़िर सोचा कि एक अच्छे जीवन को जीने की सीख देने वाले ऐसे ज्ञानी और दानी व्यक्ति को उनके जीवन के लिए याद रखा जाना चाहिए, (और वह भी हिंदी में) जिससे हम भी उनके आदर्शों का पालन करें. तभी सोचती हूँ आज देवउठनी एकादशी का दिन ही चुना ईश्वर ने उन्हें अपने साथ मुक्तिधाम ले जाने के लिए. वैसे तो बिजावर मेरे लिए सागर और जबलपुर से भी ज़्यादा करीब है, नानाजी भले ही गुवाहाटी या वड़ोदरा में रहे हों,और लोग अब भी घर और हमें देखकर कहेंगे कि ये मिश्राजी वकील साहब के घर से हैं, और इस पहचान पर मुझे गर्व है, पर मेरे मानस पटल पर उनकी जो छवि सबसे पहले उभरती है, वह है पूजा के कमरे में या शाम को बैठक में राम रक्षा स्तोत्र के १०८ पाठ  करने की सीधी छवि  और उनकी गूँजती हुई आवाज़,

 "राम रामेति रामेति रमे रामे मनोरमे।
    सहस्त्रनाम तत्तुल्यम रामनाम वरानने ॥ "
                                  
                                        
                                       

Wednesday 31 August 2016

क्षितिज के पार


आज ख़ुद को फिर से देखा,
दर्पण में नहीं, वरन एक सफ़र पर,
जैसे मैं कोई दर्शक हूँ भीड़ में,
और मंच पर कहानी चल रही हो मेरी.... 

देखा एक मासूम अक्स हवा के जहाज़ों पर,
जो लिए था तलवार पूर्वाग्रहों को ध्वस्त करने के लिए,
देखा एक वीर योद्धा को अठखेलियाँ करते हुए,
लक्ष्य तक पहुँचने के जूनून को जीते हुए,
उस वीरान सी सड़क पर ख़ुद को चलते देखा,
याद आये वो ज़माने जब सड़कें समय की मोहताज न थीं,
एक पल को लगा ये मैं नहीं हूँ,
मैं कहाँ सच से परे , बादलों के परे मैं नहीं हूँ..... 

वो रात के अँधेरे में अनगिनत सपनों को मनाना,
असंभव से इलाकों में अपनी सल्तनत बनाना ,
याद आये वो टूटे मोम के रंग और कच्ची पेन्सिलें ,
वो पुरानी किताबें जो दुनिया से दूर ले जाती थीं,
उन पीले पन्नों को ख़ुद को पढ़ते हुए देखा,
जैसे सदियों से मैंने कई धागे पिरोये थे,
मिलीं उन पन्नों में सूखी हुई कुछ पत्तियाँ ,
जिन में शायद अनदेखे शब्द उकेरे थे,
पर बंद हुईं वो किताबें तो सिमट गए वो किस्से,
भूले बिसरे हो गए वो झरोखे, वो पन्ने ,
जो ले जाते थे मुझे क्षितिज के उस पार.... 

जब छलक गया अस्तित्व अनजानी राहों पर,
और समझ न आया मंज़िल है कौन सी मेरी,
नदी के इस पर से सब ओझल होता लगा,
मैंने  मुड़कर देखा तो पाया मैं वहीं हूँ,
उन्हीं इलाकों में नदी के उस पर,
अपनी सल्तनत में अनगिनत परछाइयों  के बीच,
तो समझ आया कि वो दुनिया अब भी मेरी है,
अनछुई, अनदेखी, बाँहें फैलाये मेरे लिए,
देखती हुई मेरी राह, कि मैं जाकर अपना रास्ता चुनूँ.... 

मैं दर्पण भी हूँ और अक्स भी,
मैं दर्शक भी हूँ और नायक भी,
मैं ही वो मंच हूँ, मैं ही कहानी,
मैं जहाज़ भी हूँ और तलवार भी,
मैं योद्धा हूँ, और हूँ लक्ष्य,
मैं वही सड़क हूँ जिस में मैं मुसाफ़िर,
मैं ज़मीन भी हूँ और आसमान भी,
उन वीराने इलाकों की गूँज हूँ मैं,
मैं किताबों के पन्नों में हूँ और टूटी पेंसिलों में,
उन पत्तियों में हूँ और अदृश्य शब्दों में,
मैं झरोखों से निकलती धूप में भी हूँ,
और बादलों से गिरती बूंदों में भी हूँ,
मैं ही तो हूँ  जो इस पार से देखे उस पार,
सूर्य के उदय से अस्त तक मैं हूँ,
समय की सीमाओं के परे  मैं हूँ,
मेरी राह यहीं है, यहीं है वो दुनिया,
जहाँ से मेरा उद्गम होगा फिर से इसी क्षितिज से,
मैं भूत भी हूँ, वर्तमान भी, और भविष्य भी हूँ,
मैं इस कदम से उठकर नए  क्षितिज की ओर अग्रसर हूँ...

Sunday 17 July 2016

Autumn- Part I


As the leaves get dripped in rain,
And the stream flows without stopping,
Rolling pebbles and stones on the way,
The heart finds a place to stay,
To ponder upon the journey till now,
Somewhere beneath desires turn and toss,
In the noisy pattering of raindrops,
Which soothe the soul and thoughts,
When mornings seem fresh and alive,
I wonder if my heart will stay here,
When a fierce wind will make me fly,
Yet I know I wait for Autumn,
When the mornings seem silent,
And they are clear and numb,
Yet hiding their unearthed stories,
When regrets and dreams collide,
And hopes and fears stay by their side,
Trying to melt the frozen nights,
When dried leaves get blown away,
Despite not wanting to move,
Yet knowing the reasons henceforth,
When darkness is embraced by light,
To find an abode together somewhere,
Perhaps paying off an old debt in time,
When the chill makes you struggle,
To live with broken twigs and lost innocence,
To remember scars or strengths that healed you,
To love the falling snow outside or the warmth inside,
Because victories and defeats are one,
When stars seem to change the destiny,
And turn lost lands into paradises,
When complaining moans and cries,
Change to silent soothing whispers,
But some things are to be left as they are,
Some stories are to left unfinished and unrevealed,
For the pages have been turned by,
That is not the story of this Earth,
That is not some kind of an exile,
It is a frozen chunk inside every heart,
That rejoices on seeing rains or winds,
But finds comfort in the frozen numbness,
Because it feels one's own in reality,
Because it gives hope to find an abode,
Where autumn is beautiful too,
Where hopes and dreams collide,
And everything else is turned by the tide,
So I will stay here to rejoice the rains,
Until I know I have to get lost and find myself again,
And wait till Winter brings the beautiful chill,
But in the end I still wait for Autumn, which is mine,
Don't look for me over here again after a battle,
For I will be gone to where my journey takes me..
                                               

Sunday 26 June 2016

The Secret Dwelling



I don't remember when it happened,
That I was born inside a dark cover,
But I remember when I had come to life,
It was a moment when I popped my head,
Out into a stream of sunlight joyfully,
I curled and tossed my leaves in the wind,
And unfurled my twigs when it rained,
I toiled hard when the sun hit hard,
And wished to see more when it got dark,
Years passed by and I kept growing,
From a sapling to a plant and to a tree,
I used to wonder of things I had never seen,
Of places where I had never been.
People came and went by every day,
But I stood there for what seemed like a forever.

I don't remember when I saw her first,
I never knew where she came from,
I only remember her distinct gaze,
And the silence in which she wondered,
Of distant worlds and places like I did,
A little girl with her imaginations,
Scribbling her words in a notebook,
She seemed out of place among kids like her,
And often sat beneath my shade to ponder,
Upon all those things which didn't bother others,
That's why she seemed to me like my own one.
                                             

She recited stories to herself that only I heard,
Years passed by as she grew up,
Unperturbed by people around her,
Who tried to demolish her spirit,
She never knew we shared a common world,
She fought in her conquests and loved and lost,
Yet never in her journey did she lower her sword ,
Each day I saw her rising up for another battle,
Nothing could ever break her spirit to fall apart,
She seemed like a warrior on her journey,
Walking along with people who needed her,
And walking alone when none did,
Her valour made her survive each day,
And she walked through storms and fires,
Perhaps she belonged to a distant land,
Yet visited me every single day,
Some times she loved the winds,
Some times she just got dripped in rains,
Yet at other times she just loved the chill,
Somehow I witnessed her dreams, her fears,
And knew her stories, more than she did,
I knew perhaps what she wrote in there,
She used to whisper into my brown trunk,
"These are secrets only you know",
And I wavered my branches like wings,
She loved to be here until one day,
After which she never came back to me,
I waited and yearned for a company,
For she was the one who was like me,
But she did not return,
Perhaps she had found a place better than this.

********************************

I grew old and wondered if people needed me,
They went along but none stopped by,
None appeared who seemed like her,
Until one day I saw a woman, her hair grown grey,
She was a stranger who had a familiar gaze,
She seemed unknown but like my own one,
She sat under my shade and wondered silently,
Of places she had been to and people she had seen,
She scribbled in her notebook of all those days,
When I didn't know in which world she had landed,
She talked to herself of those battles and journeys,
And I was the one who heard it all,
I knew she was the little girl who grew up here,
Her spirit, still unperturbed over the years,
She was the same warrior who never lowered her sword,
And I wavered my withered branches like wings,
She smiled at me and whispered into my trunk,
"These are still secrets only you know,
But I have to travel to another world,
For I am a human and my journey ends here,
But you know I had always thought of you,
And you will carry my secrets unlike anybody else,
Perhaps we will meet again in another world",
I knew she had to leave this world,
I unfurled my leaves and lowered my branches,
For a friend who was like my own,
She dug up a the ground and buried her notebook,
And then left, this time never to come back.

                                                   

I did not wait for her in reality,
For she had left her secrets with me,
She was remembered for her valour and integrity,
But deep down I wondered if she will meet me,
In a distant world, in an after life,
Years passed by and none like her ever came,
I withered more, expecting my end,
Until one morning when it was winter,
Came a little girl who sat silently,
Wondering of distant worlds,
Scribbling in her notebook,
And I wavered my branches like wings....
(The story continues)

Monday 16 May 2016

Escape- At 103.3 MHz



Has life become stagnant? They say anything that's stagnant rots from inside and eventually kills you. I have often wondered about it. I still do. When you have given a lot of efforts to goals and dreams at early stages in life, and destiny has other plans for you, you could feel blank, unsure of how to deal with things that you have to drag along everyday. It wasn't something that had popped up in my mind that day. I have been wondering the same thing for three years now, everyday when I enter the place, for another day to drag with. My phone vibrated again. I answered the call.

"Yeah. Just left from the office."

"Is everything alright? I had called you twice before this."

"Yes. All good."

"How was your day? No issues I hope."

Normally, I would have spent half an hour discussing about my workplace, but that day I was tired to do so. My mind was wandering into the deep questions about the time and place I was living in.

"I don't want to talk about it right now. I will seem wrong any way. How was your day?"

"Mine was good, but you could at least tell me. You don't talk to anybody as such these days."

"Please mumma. I'll tell you when I have reached home. Bye."

I disconnected the call. Not that I didn't want to blurt it all out, but I feared that my rage, my excitement level or my stubbornness for my dreams might scare her again, and more than me, she might spend a sleepless night. Probably, she would, even now, but stress or hyper excited mode wasn't to be distributed to others, not to her at least. Moreover, this was usual. I always had such thoughts at the back of my mind.The same things could be communicated when I had calmed myself down.

It was already 9-30 P.M. and I was getting late. I decided to board the first bus I saw and change to a connecting one to my place at an intermediate stop. In not more than five minutes, I saw a bus numbered '103' coming my way, which was strange because I had never noticed any such bus earlier on this route of Pune. But since I was late, I didn't pay much attention to it and boarded it for a stop I knew on the way. There wasn't much crowd that night. It wouldn't have mattered any way.

I took a window seat, plugged in my ear phones and turned to my playlist. None of the songs from my collection seemed to set my rhythm for the journey back home. I switched on the radio, in a blatant hope to find a radio station playing some soothing tracks, unlike the trending ones. To my disappointment, none of them seemed to relay signals that night. I kept switching between many and finally stopped at one which played some English songs. As I settled down to follow my chain of thoughts, it started playing 'Paradise'.

And with that, I brought my background trails into the mainstream, which had been bubbling to be noticed throughout the day. I contemplated upon the possibilities of following what my heart had been telling me to do. As I felt my own helplessness to be able to do so, I felt a wave of rage inside me. I wondered if I had turned into a coward. I wondered if the warrior in me had eventually vanished. I wondered if I had become one of those who simply wanted to escape from realities at any cost but were aware that it was not possible.

Looking out from the window, everything seemed just the same, as it was every other day. At a distance, there were hundreds of such places like the one where I worked, and thousands of such employees like I was one. Perhaps each one trying to find a meaning to the whole idea of existence, or may be it was just me. Apparently, others seemed to exist in the idea of a delusional world, that was a reality for them, because they had become a part of it. That was the reason, I seemed to be on the path of an ideology, that was always contrary to the rest of the crowd.

Nevertheless, all this seemed way too complex. I wondered how things had been simpler when I was a child. I could dream of being anyone, living anywhere, doing anything and it never seemed distant. It was always right there, as I had wanted it to be. That was a practical manifestation of the phrase which had become a part of my vision since the last three years to escape, 'Experience Certainty'. Isn't it quite a strange aspect of human minds that once we start traversing a trail of our own thoughts, we tend to visit every place, meet every person involved and live every moment again? As if the world we live in, doesn't exist and things are just as they had been.

The radio station now played a fantasy tale of a little girl caught among devils. I found it interesting and switched on 'Live Recording'. She had been brought into their world when she had barely started knowing her own world. So, she didn't know why she existed. I wondered how many people thought about the reasons behind their existence in this world rather than just about their survival. Or how many ever remembered that they had wanted to be someone else when they were in Kindergarten. That's the point. We could laugh at all of it or we could take it further, but it surely remains inside us.

And then as we grow up, peace resides in all the silent moments when we think of coming back to a place called home, because it reminds us of our firsts, perhaps our first steps, the first time we learnt to write, to read or the first friends we made, the first places we visited outside home. They seem to own us, irrespective of the number of years that have passed. It seems more like a call, a frequent knock on the doors of our hearts, to be the same, whether it is possible or not. May be, because we still think that those little dreams of innocence had a far better prospect for us as people, rather than as robots.

I could not help but think of all the people who had once been in my life, friends, teachers, acquaintances, loved ones, neighbours. Was it possible that they had went through or were going through series of unanswered questions and sought answers at the back of their minds every day? Could they too possibly wonder that on a cool summer morning during their vacations, when they woke up next to their belongings, as little kids, picturing their lives, or their dreams, unaware of the worldly propaganda, they had been right or wrong? Or could they wonder if the pretty pictures of their fantasy tales on summer evenings could turn true?

The tale on the radio continued to state that the little child just noticed that the only way to breathe without any trauma was either to escape from there by taking a leap through a ridge, that would be courageous on her part, but wouldn't be final as they would have to be faced later, or to stay there and keep fighting against them till she won. The tale did not reveal the choice she made. It was left for the listeners to decide on their own. Either way, she was declared a warrior.

I smiled at the coincidence and at the rawness of the conclusion. Either way, you are a warrior, it said. When there was light, we would know we had the courage, but the real test of faith, patience, perseverance and courage came along when darkness seemed to prevail for so long that we started doubting our existence. Pretty much true it was. I realized at that moment that perhaps, each one of us believed in the existence of a fantasy dream that we had once seen in innocence, whether as a child or after we grew up, and no matter what happened, a part of us would never stop believing in that. We could always go back, visit those summers, wish that child a great time, and come back to know that a part of that child we used to be, still remained and always would, inside us. It had always calmed us down. We had always known that part of ourselves, there wasn't any reason we would ever let it go.

I concluded that as long as I believed in my existence for the cause I had dreamt of at any point of time, it wasn't always necessary to take a leap that wouldn't turn into a last one. Some times, courage meant to face the turmoil, deal with the devils, go through it, and still not give up. A true warrior could leave the battle field at any point, to come back, or would stay, no matter how clueless, but would face it, to keep fighting till the end, which could lead there. I had always been a warrior. I still was. I would always be.

The intermediate stop had arrived. I got down and saw bus number '103' leaving. I clicked to switch off the Recording mode and noticed the Station which I had been listening to. It was then that I realized that the radio station was a channel at the frequency 103.3 MHz. That was impossible! English channels at 103.3 MHz were relayed in few Western countries(especially the States) but not in India at all. Moreover, it was not the kind of station to discuss topics of such insights. In the state of disbelief and confusion, I started walking towards the bus stop, only to realize that it wasn't an intermediate stop, but my actual stop!

This couldn't be a fantasy tale. I walked further to find that I had arrived at my actual destination via a bus which I had never seen before in the city. Bewildered, I checked my phone again, the recording of the story was still there. I smiled at the experience I just had and entered my place. If nothing, yes it had reminded me of something again, of who I was and what I could do.

"Reached home, mumma. I am good. Nothing much happened", I called her.

"You sound better now!"

********************************************************************************

Though I still wonder about the number '103', for it has been so many days but neither did I see that bus again on my way or find the one that drops me to my destination, nor have I found that radio station again. Probably, it was another world where I had been for some time, or the Law of Attraction just decided to synchronize a frequency at similar wavelengths. Or perhaps, fantasy tales do come true, may be just to escape into an insight!                                  

Saturday 30 April 2016

कोल बाज़ारी - The Story of Indian Marriages

Disclaimer- कृपया 'feminists' एवं 'chauvinists' इसमें अपने लिए कोई मसाला ढूँढ़ने की कोशिश ना करें. यहाँ किसी को गलत साबित नहीं किया जा रहा है, बस जो हमारे आस पास होता है, वही बताया जा रहा है.




तो बात शुरू हुई हमारे एक परिचित के परिवार में एक कन्या के विवाह से. ऐसा नहीं है कि यह हमने पहला विवाह देखा था अपने समाज में. परंतु यह आग में घी डालने वाला काम कर गया और हम सोचने पर मजबूर हो गए . तो साहब हुआ यूँ, जैसा कि हर आम आदमी (no offence to Kejriwal) के 'Marriage Process' में होता है. कन्या विवाह योग्य हुई तो माता- पिता को चिंता सताने लगती है. "अभी तो सही उम्र है, अब नहीं हुई तो अच्छे रिश्ते नहीं मिलेंगे", "अब सब तो हो गया, पढ़ लिया तुमने, नौकरी भी कर ली, दुनिया भी घूम ली, अब और क्या चाहिए, शादी कर लो". अगर आप सोच रहे हैं कि ये शब्द माता-पिता द्वारा कहे गए हैं, तो माफ़ कीजिये आप पूरी तरह सही नहीं हैं. 

भगवान लम्बी उम्र दें उन रिश्तेदारों को, उन परिचितों को जिन्हें अपने बच्चों से ज़्यादा चिंता ऐसी कन्याओं की होती है. कितने निष्कपट होते हैं ये. अगर आपको रिश्ते नहीं मिलेंगे, तो ये हर गली मोहल्ले के ऊट पटांग रिश्तों को आप तक लायेंगे , क्योंकि साहब आपकी कन्या की बड़ी चिंता है इन्हें. और यदि इस पर कन्या ने कह दिया "मुझे शादी नहीं करनी", "मैं अपने तरीके से रहना चाहती हूँ", "मुझे अभी अपने career के बारे में सोचना है", "मुझे खुद को समझना है अभी", तो कसम ख़ुदा की तूफ़ान  है. यही रिश्तेदार फ़िर शुभचिंतक बनकर सामने आयेंगे घावों पर नमक मलने को ,"लड़की हाथ से निकल गयी है आपकी", "लगता है पहले से लड़का ढूँढ रखा है", "जी बाहर जाकर ऐसा ही होता है", "अरे खुद को समझने, पढ़ने और कलाकारी के काम तो घर में बैठकर शादी के बाद भी कर सकती हो, कौन सा तुम्हें कहीं जाना है, अंत में घर तो सम्भालना ही है", "कुछ तो माँ- बाप के बारे में सोचो","क्या करोगी अकेले, कोई तो चाहिए"(जी हाँ हमें बचपन से समाज ही बताता है कि  नारी अबला होती है). यदि लड़का हो तो उसे सुनने मिलेगा,"अकेले कब तक रहोगे? घर में बीवी के आने से रौनक आ जाती है. खाना कब तक बनाओगे खुद ही". ये वही रिश्तेदार और पड़ोसी हैं जो आपकी नौकरी लगने से पहले घर आकर आपके माँ-बाप को दूसरे बच्चों की सफ़लता के बारे में Twitter से भी जल्दी बताते थे. 

तो जैसे तैसे कन्या के हाँ कहने पर, यही भले मानस रिश्ते लाते हैं . कुंडली मिलनी चाहिए साहब, और घर परिवार खानदान अच्छा होना चाहिए. जाति के बाहर तो चलेगा ही नहीं. और फिर शुरू होता है कभी ना खत्म होने वाला सिलसिला 'देखने दिखाने ' का. यहाँ तक तो सिर्फ़ कन्या की मुसीबत थी, अब तो लड़का भी फस गया(जो कि पहले ही मुश्किल से खुद को मनाकर लाया है कि शादी करनी पड़ेगी). जब लड़के वाले लड़की वालों से मिलने आते हैं, तो एक माहौल बनता है, उन्हें प्रभावित करने का, क्योंकि जनाब किसी साक्षात्कार में अपना प्रभाव दिखने से कहीं ज़्यादा ज़रूरी है यह. अगर लड़के वाले प्रसन्न हो गए, तो लेन  देन में कम समस्या आएगी. कन्या के स्कूल, कॉलेज, नौकरी की उपलब्धियाँ गिनकर बताई जाएँगी, और लड़के वाले तारीफ़ में दो-चार शब्द बोल देंगे, क्योंकि इससे किसी को आगे कोई फ़र्क नहीं पड़ने वाला, यह तो कन्या पक्ष के लोग अपने self-esteem को कायम करने के लिए कर रहे हैं. और वैसे भी कन्या चाहे कल्पना चावला ही क्यों ना हो, अगर दाल में तड़का ठीक से ना लगा पाई , तो क्या करेगी अंतरिक्ष में जाकर. 

पर लड़का, अरे साहब उसका भी S.S.B. इंटरव्यू होता है. "कितना कमा लेते हो", "कोई बुरी आदत तो नहीं है", "हमारी लड़की अपने तरीके से रहना चाहती है", "ससुराल में कितने दिन रहना पड़ेगा", "यूँ तो हमारी लड़की एकदम घरेलू और सुशील है पर थोड़ा कम पुराने ख़यालात की है, वैसे भी आज कल नया ज़माना है". अभी लड़का सोच ही रहा है कि माँ और बीवी के बीच कैसे रहेगा, कि एक और सवाल,"शादी के बाद नौकरी करवानी है लड़की से या नहीं". इस सवाल का जवाब लड़के की माँ देंगी,"ये  तो दोनों का फ़ैसला  होगा, अगर कोई दिक्कत नहीं हुई तो बिलकुल कर सकती है"(यकीन मानिए इस में रत्ती भर भी सच्चाई नहीं है).                                    
अब आता है मिलने मिलाने का समय. नहीं, अगर आप सोच रहे हैं कि अब लड़का और लड़की अकेले में कुछ सवाल  पूछ सकते हैं, तो आप गलत हैं, यहाँ परछाई की तरह साथ रहेंगी, लड़की की मौसी/चाची /मामी/बहन या कोई और. अब लड़का और लड़की पचास सवाल मन में रखकर एक घिसा हुआ सवाल पूछेंगे,"आपको कोई समस्या तो नहीं इस शादी से " और जवाब भी वही घिसा हुआ रहेगा ,"जी नहीं." अब किसको क्या पूछना है ये वैसे भी ज़रूरी नहीं है यहाँ. आख़िर  हम एक मोबाइल फ़ोन खरीदने के लिए दस दिनों तक पड़ताल कर सकते हैं, पर शादी तो एक छोटा सा फ़ैसला है, २ मिनट में हो जाना चाहिए. अगर एक बार और इस तरह मिलवा दिया गया, तो साहब हाँ तो है ही, बिना पूछे. पर अभी ड्रामा खत्म नहीं हुआ है, अभी तो बड़े परदे पर सिनेमा दिखाई जानी है.                            
                                                                          
जी हाँ, लेन देन एक ऐसी परंपरा है जो आज से सैंकड़ों साल पहले एक अच्छे प्रयोजन के लिए शुरू की गयी थी. नवविवाहितों को नया जीवन शुरू करने के लिए लड़की वाले कुछ उपहार देते थे. जी अब तो लड़के नौकरी के हिसाब से बिकते हैं. बोली लगायी जाती है.  आई. टी. वाला हो तो ५-६ लाख, सरकारी इंजीनियर हो तो १०-१५ लाख, डॉक्टर हो तो १५-२० लाख, और आई. ए. एस. वाले तो ५० लाख या करोड़ों में बिकते हैं. आख़िर माँ-बाप ने जितने पैसे खर्च किये हैं, वो वसूलने तो पड़ेंगे. लड़की वाले अपने लड़के की शादी में कर लेंगे. यही तो परंपरा है. उस पर दहेज़ का बाकी सामान और एक कार तो बनती ही है, हैसियत के हिसाब से. और फ़िर शादी तो धूम धाम से ही होनी चाहिए, क्योंकि ५० रिश्तेदारों के सामने इज़्ज़त जो रखनी है. और विदाई के समय उपहार तो होने ही चाहिए, बिलकुल लड़के को तराज़ू में तौलकर. यदि इतना हो सकता हो तो बात आगे बढे. 

अजी, इतना तो चलता ही है, आख़िर शादी-ब्याह का मामला है, सस्ते में थोड़ी होगा. एक ही बार तो होता है, क्योंकि यदि ना  भी निभी, तो लड़की वाले और लड़के वाले मजबूर होकर निभा ही लेंगे. लड़के और लड़की से कौन पूछेगा कि कैसे निभ रही है. अगर आप सोच रहे हैं, कि  यह सिर्फ़ arranged marriage का ढाँचा है, तो आप सरासर ग़लत हैं, love marriage तो और भी बड़ी समस्या है. क्योंकि यहाँ लड़का और लड़की पहले ५० तरह की समस्याओं और पूर्वाग्रहों से लड़कर सबको मनाएंगे, पर शादी के लिए यही सब दोहराया जायेगा. कुछ कमी ना रह जाये, लड़की वाले घबराकर करेंगे, और लड़के वाले झूठी इज़्ज़त के लिए. अगर कुछ कम रह गया तो रिश्तेदार क्या कहेंगे, कि इससे अच्छा तो कहीं और कर दी होती, कोई कमी थी क्या. वही रिश्तेदार जिन्हें अपने बच्चों से ज़्यादा दूसरों की कन्याओं और सुपुत्रों की चिंता होती है. 
                                         
ये सिलसिला यहाँ खत्म नहीं होता. "देखो कोई दिक्कत हो तो समझौता करके चलना, सब जगह करना पड़ता है", "विचार ना  भी मिलें, तो बना  लेना आपस में, घर विचारों से नहीं चलता है", "अपने आपको बदलना ज़रूरी है, सबको करना पड़ता है, यही तो शादी होती है". तो एक और शादी को इतने करीब से फिर से देखने के बाद और कई और करीबी लोगों की शादीशुदा ज़िन्दगी देखने के बाद हमारे मन में सिर्फ़ एक ही सवाल कौंधता है. लड़के हों या लड़कियाँ, हमने समाज में लकीर के फ़कीर बनना क्यों सिखाया है. विवाह- इस शब्द का अर्थ होता है, दो लोगों का आपसी रिश्ता, जो एक दूसरे से बँधकर चले. पर यही नहीं है, तो क्या इस समाज में विवाह ना  करना, विद्रोह की श्रेणी में आता है. समाज की हर समस्या का एक ही हल है लोगों की नज़र में- शादी. 

 यही तो स्कैम है जी, इसी की तो हमें जाँच करनी चाहिए. कौन करेगा जी इसकी जाँच (केजरीवाल जी? ). क्योंकि शादी से बड़ी कोल -बाज़ारी हमने तो ना देखी अभी तक. आपने देखी है क्या? क्या आपके दिमाग में वो गाना नहीं बजता,"काला  रे......"

Sunday 10 April 2016

गूँज



कुछ अलग ही रंग दिखे थे मुझे,
उस किताब के पन्नों की अठखेलियों में,
जैसे मासूम बचपन रूठ जाता है,
पर अलग ना हो पाए अस्तित्व से,
वो सुबह का कुहासा मानो एक रास्ता था,
मुझे उस अनजाने शहर में ले जाने का,
पर वो अनजाना  कहाँ  वो तो अपना ही था,
ज़िन्दगी जैसे  पहली बार हाथ थामकर चली हो,
जब फूलों का शाखों पर होना भी हो,
पर मौसम गुजरने पर शाखें खाली भी हों,
जैसे बारिश की वही बूँदें भिगा गईं हों,
जो मेरे होने का एहसास दिलाएँ मुझे,
जैसे बौछार में शीशम के पत्ते रोकते हों,
उन टपकती बूँदों के सैलाब को,
पर मैं चलती रही, वो टपकती रहीं,
और बियाबाँ में गीली मिट्टी और लकड़ी की खुशबू,
जैसे किसी कोने में मेरी छिपी हुई गहराइयाँ,
मुझे कभी दिखती नहीं पर महकती रहती हैं,
वो बर्फ़ का जमना और पिघलना,
जैसे मेरी कहानियाँ बर्फ़ में घुल गईं हों,
वो कहीं दूर क्षितिज था पर करीब लगा,
जैसे एक हाथ बढाकर मुझे मिल जायेगा,
रात की ख़ामोशी में दूर किसी का सुर,
जैसे मेरे मन के अनसुने राग हों,
और उस ठिठुरन में अपने होने का एहसास,
जाने कहाँ से मुझे खुद में समाते हुए,
वो वादियाँ , वो दरख़्त, वो काफ़िले,
वो  बस सुकून में अपने से लगे मुझे,
उस चिनार  के पेड़ का हवा से लड़ना,
वो गूँज अब भी सुनाई देती है मुझे,
कहीं से वो मुझ जैसे हैं सभी,
तिनकों और मौसमों को पिरोते हुए,
मैं हूँ और वो वादियाँ हैं,
                       दूर ही सही आदतों से बँधे हुए...                     


Saturday 27 February 2016

मेरे शहर की ख़ुशबू



पर यह  मेरे शहर के बारे में नहीं है, उसके बारे में तो पहले ही मैंने बहुत कुछ लिखा है.  यह तो हर उस शहर के बारे में है जिसे हम सब कभी न कभी छोड़कर पंछियों की तरह अपना बसेरा कहीं और बसाने चले गए. चले तो गए पर क्या हमने सचमुच अपना शहर छोड़ा. हम में से कुछ को शायद कई साल हो गए होंगे उस शहर को देखे हुए और कुछ एक ऐसा पल ढूँढ रहे हैं जब सुकून से अपने शहर को देखें. कहीं गया ही नहीं वो हमारे अस्तित्व से. ग़ौर से सोचने पर आज यूँ ही याद आया कि मैं तो उसे अपने आस पास जी रही हूँ, शायद मुझे लगा ही नहीं कि मैं वहाँ से दूर कोई और बन चुकी हूँ. मैं तो अब भी वही हूँ, शायद इसीलिए इतनी दूर किसी और शहर में भी मुझे अपने शहर की परछाई दिखती है कभी कभी.                                                   
                                                 
आज सवेरे जब मैं उगते सूरज को देखने के लिए बाहर निकली, तो कहीं दूर से एक मधुर गूँज कानों में पड़ी. बरबस ही मुझे अपने शहर की ओर खींच ले गयी वह गूँज. मुझे आज भी याद है जब स्कूल के लिए जल्दी उठना होता था, और माँ जाने कितनी बार पुकारकर हार जाती थीं, तब ना  जाने कहाँ से किसी मंदिर में बजते भजन, कोई अखंड रामायण की गूँज या किसी मस्जिद की अज़ान से मेरी नींद गायब हो जाती थी. सिहरन वाली ठण्ड में जब मैं बाहर निकलती थी तब कुहासे में भी नरमी होती थी, कहीं से शायद किसी हवन कुण्ड का धुआँ गर्मी ला देता था, उस धुँए में भी एक अलग सी सुगंध थी, जो मानो अंतर्मन को पवित्र कर देती थी. सड़क के किनारे लगे पेड़ फूलों की खुशबू से मन को प्रफुल्लित कर देते थे और उस सुबह के सन्नाटे में भी कहीं कोई  सड़क साफ़ करते हुए दिख ही जाता था. आज जब भागती हुई गाड़ियों के बीच खुद को यहाँ की सड़कों पर पाती हूँ, तो वो सुकून वाली सुबह याद आ जाती है.           


                          


परीकथाओं की तरह लगता है अब वो समय जब शाम को दोस्तों के साथ किस्से कहानियाँ सुनते सुनाते ही हम ना जाने कितने देश घूम आते थे और खुद को झाँसी की रानी से कम  नहीं समझते थे. किसी पेड़ पर चढ़ना, कहीं रूठना मनाना, पर बस उस दुनिया के आगे कोई चिंता ना थी, सब कुछ पास ही तो था. सोचती हूँ अगर वो पेड़ इन्सान होता, तो शायद वो भी मुझे याद करता. अब कौन उसकी छाया में बैठकर अनगिनत संसार बनाता होगा. या क्या पता मेरी तरह कोई और अपने अंतर्मन में झाँकने वहाँ  जाता होगा. यहाँ कभी लोगों को मैं जब साथ में त्योहार मनाते देखती हूँ, तो याद आता है कैसे होली, दशहरे, नवरात्रि , दीवाली , क्रिसमस सब पड़ोसियों के साथ ही पूरे होते थे. और हमारे लिए तो छुट्टियों का समय स्वर्ग से कम  ना होता था.

                                                 
                                             

यहाँ जब शाम को घर आती हूँ, तब भूल नहीं पाती कैसे मेरी शामें नदी किनारे बस शान्त मन से लोगों को देखते हुए, उस सुरमयी वातावरण को ग्रहण करते हुए, किसी सड़क पर घूमते हुए, किसी मित्र से ज़िन्दगी के फलसफे कहते हुए, या बस किसी चाट वाले के ठेले पर सब से ऐसे मिलते हुए निकलती थीं जैसे कई साल हो गए हों मिले हुए, और अब तो सचमुच ना जाने कितने साल हो गए लगता है. वहाँ की हवा अब भी मानो छूते हुए गुज़रती है मुझे. उन किनारों पर, उन सड़कों पर जाने अब कौन चलता होगा. यहाँ तो शामें बंद कमरे में, किसी अनजान सड़क पर या किसी भीड़ भाड़ वाले चकाचौंध करते हुए मॉल में गुज़र जाती हैं, अनजाने चेहरों के बीच में.


      


माँ छुट्टियों में नानी, दादी, मौसी, बुआ के घर लेकर जाती थीं अब याद आता है, जब छुट्टियों का अर्थ होता है, बस अपने घर पहुँच जाऊँ एक बार फ़िर. जाने कितने अरसे हो गए वो सारे शहर भी तो मुझे याद करते होंगे ना. यहाँ  की छुट्टियाँ  तो बस अपनी ज़िन्दगी में सुकून के दो पल ढूंढने में निकल जाती हैं. मेरे कॉलेज के रास्ते पर अब जाने कौन गाड़ी भगाता होगा. जाने कौन कहता होगा "चल यार, कल मिलते हैं ". कल तो आता ही नहीं अब. हम शायद बड़े हो गए, और पीछे मुड़कर यादें ही तो हैं बस टोकरी में, जिन्हें  कभी टटोलकर ले आते हैं.                                           
रातों को जब अक्सर जागती हूँ, तो याद आता है, एक वो शहर है मेरा अपना, जहाँ  मासूमियत में कई सपने बुने थे, कुछ पीछे छूट गए, कुछ अधूरे रह गए, कुछ टूट गए, कुछ पूरे हो गए, अबोध मन के सपने. पर मेरे शहर की खुशबू तो साँसों में है, वही तो मुझे बनाये रखती है, मुझे एहसास देती है मेरे होने का, चाहे मैं कहीं भी रहूँ. आखिर ये शहर भी तो किसी का होगा, जो इसे छोड़कर गया होगा, तभी ये मुझे हर बात में मेरे शहर की याद दिलाता है. 

                                         
    





Sunday 21 February 2016

इफ़्तिताह - ए - सफ़र



Note: Please refer to the Glossary below these lines for Urdu vocabulary. 

गर्त नहीं है मेरा हमसाया मैं तो यहीं हूँ,         
दुआओं की बालीदगी और पासबाँ  बनकर,                                
तूफ़ान निकले कई मेरी तलवार आब-दार बनाकर,   
मैं तो अब भी क़ासिद-ए-सबा, तालिब-ए-उन्स हूँ,     
मुख्तलिब लगी तो मुझे रक़ीब समझ लिया,

रिवायत-ए-ज़माना यही कहता आया है,                                          
एहतेसाब का आफ़्ताब मैंने आफरीन ही किया ,
एहतेराम तो उनका भी और इस ताक़ूब  का भी किया,
नज़र तो अब भी आती है खलिश दुनिया में,
अपनी ही गफलत से परेशान चर्ब - ज़बान लोग,
पादाश की आग में जलते नादिम शख़्स,
जाने कितनी एहतियाज-ए -इफावह  है उन्हें,
जो अँधेरे में नूर देखना वाज़िब ना  समझें,
वो नूर-ए- एजाज़ ढूंढने मैं एक मुसलसल फ़िराक में हूँ,
अमन का एहतेजाज में नहीं ख़ामोशी के रक़्स से रूबरू होने,
ख़ाक में मिले बाहम हो जाते हैं राहत-अफ़्ज़ा बनकर,
ताख़ीर भी हो पर वो आबिद-ए-फ़लक हर रूह के साज़-गार हैं,
जो इफ्शा-ए-सबाह यहाँ मक़बूल बनाकर रहते हैं,
जब एक भी ऐसा राज़दान ना  दिखा यहाँ ,
चश्म-ए -फ़ाख़िर का माद्दा रूह में लिए निकली मैं,
दफ़्न हैं कुछ क़िस्से हाफ़िज़ाह, कुछ इब्तिला बनकर,
मुझे याद हैं वो अख़लाक़ -ए-फ़ाज़िल मेरे बाँकपन के लिए,
जब मैं इस जहाँ की ख़ाक  में सिफर बनकर मिल जाऊँ कभी,
मेरा सफ़र  रहेगा इबारत बनकर कि  मैं एक आबशार रहूँगी,
मौतजा-ए-ख्वाबीदा को जीने के लिए मयस्सर रही,
कैसे मैं अपना तारुफ़ करवाऊँ , मैं तो तूफानों में भी बदस्तूर रही,
वो बेख्वाबी के आलम में ख़ुद से मसरूफ़ होकर ताबीर करने के लिए.


Glossary(as per the above context):
 इफ्तिताह= Honour,
 बालीदगी= Growth,
पासबाँ= Protector,
आब-दार= Polished,
क़ासिद-ए-सबा=Messenger of morning,
तालिब-ए-उन्स= Seeker of love,
मुख्तलिब= Different,
रक़ीब= Rival,
रिवायत= Tradition,
एहतेसाब= Criticism,
आफ़्ताब= Listen/Hear,
आफरीन= Appreciation,
एहतेराम= Respect,
ताक़ूब= Pursuit,
खलिश= Anxiety,
गफलत= Guilt,
चर्ब - ज़बान= Sharp-tongued(here),
पादाश= Revenge,
नादिम= Ashamed,
एहतियाज-ए -इफावह = Necessity for Healing,
नूर= Radiance,
वाज़िब= Justified,
नूर-ए- एजाज़= Miracle of Light,
मुसलसल= Constant,
फ़िराक= Intention,
एहतेजाज= Argument,
रक़्स= Celebration,
बाहम= Together,
राहत-अफ़्ज़ा= Adding to comfort,
ताख़ीर= Delay,
आबिद-ए-फ़लक= Devotees of the sky,
साज़-गार= Favourite,
इफ्शा-ए-सबाह= Disclosing secrets of the dawn,
मक़बूल= Approved,
राज़दान= Trustworthy,
चश्म-ए -फ़ाख़िर= Precious hope,
माद्दा= Substance,
हाफ़िज़ाह= Good memories,
इब्तिला= Suffering,
अख़लाक़ -ए-फ़ाज़िल= Virtue of proficiency,
बाँकपन= Smartness,
सिफर= Nothingness,
इबारत= Composition,
आबशार= Waterfall(Continuous, here),
मौतजा-ए-ख्वाबीदा= Dreams of miracle,
मयस्सर= Available,
तारुफ़= Introduction,
बदस्तूर= Unaltered,
बेख्वाबी= Insomnia,
मसरूफ़= Involved(facing, here),
ताबीर= Interpretation(introspection, here)

Sunday 7 February 2016

Redemption

****Symbolically, this story starts where "प्रतिबिम्ब" ends. There is a connection between the two but this is not a sequel to "प्रतिबिम्ब"******            




I had stepped outside to get some fresh air and the solitude I love in places crowded with unknown people. It was February, a month which I don't like much because my favourite season Winter fades away in this month. Yet, I wanted to absorb the remains of the peaceful chill for this season. The atmosphere was not at all chilled, but there remained a mysterious serenity even in the fresh Spring season that had arrived. It was soon going to be dark, and I wanted to enjoy every moment of the night falling in place. It reminded me of another night, when I had experienced an unforgettable incident in Winter. I had decided to find all the answers within myself that day.

And here I was, trying to find those answers, the questions for which seemed to haunt me inside. I wanted to know what remained, what I had to fight for and what it was that seemed to go unnoticed by me. The battle was not over, not for me. I looked around and saw people, still fighting. Some had already given up, others were not sure of how long they were going to fight. Still others were either unaware of all this, lost in this materialistic world, or too sceptical to realize that there remained a world inside them to be explored, that had to be nurtured, in order to find their paths and to follow their dreams. I had never felt strange, to contemplate upon those thoughts, but I felt that all beings had a time in their lives when they became aware of the fact that they were here to pursue a journey.

The sword in my hand lowered a little. I had not decided to give up, but the spirit inside me seemed to have become worn out. Not because of the vicious circle of events that had unsuccessfully, tried to pull me into darkness and failed to do so, but because after so long, my reasons to fight had not remained constant. I was, in the deepest of my heart, bewildered to understand what I was still fighting for.
                                             
It was the light inside me that kept me going on a path which I knew wasn't necessary to be understood in order to follow. Yet, something told me that I needed to contemplate upon an unnoticed aspect, that had to be taken along, in order to move forward. I needed to go back to a place from where I could find my reasons, I had decided, through that night which seemed to welcome a storm. Yet, I would not stop. The only thing that one needed to be afraid of was the negative energy built inside oneself. Nothing else in this world was scary, I had always believed.

The night was calm, with millions of stars twinkling in the sky, that reminded me of my quest and of my journey. Silence was the only dominant entity for me, on that road, even in a hustling crowd of people. I witnessed a turbulence around me. A hazy figure seemed to approach me on that faintly lit up road. She was a girl, probably 9 or 10 years old, dressed decently, and looked confident in her tom boy haircut. She seemed to walk in a rhythm, as if trying to dance to the beats of the crowd around her, holding a broken piece of a little plastic sword. She seemed to concentrate on the ground, and stopped in between, to look at the sky.

"Are you looking for something my dear?", I broke the silence.

She looked at me,"My little sword is broken."

"Can I help you finding the broken piece?"

She smiled and looked amused," No. I will build it again."

I felt surprised at her answer," Are you alone here?"

"You can join me if you want," she replied.

"But where are you going?"                                        

She kept smiling but did not answer me, and then started walking rhythmically again. As if spellbound by her mysterious presence, I felt protective for her. None around us, seemed to be her parents. I decided to follow the little girl. At first I thought, she was unaware of my presence, but a few seconds later, she asked me without turning back,"What made you think I wanted help to find the broken piece of my sword?"

"I guessed you would want to fix it", I looked at her intently.

"I want to, but without the broken part". I waited for her to add more as she kept walking, but she remained silent.

I decided to let her speak on her own. She looked at me and continued," Do you want to see how I will build it again?"
                                         
I smiled, so did she, and we continued walking, until the road became less crowded. Towards the end of this familiar road, came a turn I had never seen earlier. I looked at her, puzzled. She pointed towards a tree, which stood so high, that I could not differentiate where it got mingled with the sky. When I looked at her again, she pointed towards a narrow trail that seemed to be lit up by the moonlight alone.

"Are you sure you know where you are going?" I couldn't stop from being puzzled about her.

"Of course. I come here whenever I want to." She led the walk for me. I felt a change in my energy as I stepped onto that path.

"So what do you come here for?"

"To dream of anything that could happen", with that, she held her broken sword towards another path. But she did not go that way. She continued walking forward.

"Where did that path lead to?" I asked her.

"Anywhere, but I don't want to go over there."

In between, we came across several other trails, lit up differently, none of which she seemed interested to follow. Sensing my confusion she said," Those were places which I have seen earlier. I have dreamt of who I could be over there. I don't want to visit them any more. I want to visit unseen places."

She stopped at the foot of one of the trails," I will be coming back in a few minutes. You can explore the place around if you want to."

"Wait, but you are alone...", she didn't stop. And I was left even more confused at that place. On one hand, I felt wary of the place. On the other hand, I felt scared for the little girl.

I looked around to see if there was anybody around, but only heard the rustling of leaves by the breeze to break the silence. At a distance, I saw a lit up path. Out of curiosity, I decided to follow it. As I started walking, a gush of images, seemed to appear around me. At first, I had a creepy feeling about them and decided to step back. But on taking a second look, I found that they were images from various instances of my life. I decided to continue on the path.

                                               

A few steps later, I found an alley lit up by an image of mine from infancy, with my mother holding me gladly. The alley seemed to be walled by various other images of the same phase. I peeped into it and smiled at every image which reminded me of the times when I was a baby. However, I decided not to follow it, and continued on my path.

After every 10 steps, there were little alleys, lit up at the entrance by an image of mine from every phase of my life. Peeping into them, I felt various feelings rushing through me--mixed emotions of happiness, respect, love, anger, retribution, as I remembered each of those phases. I wondered why I was being made to witness them again, if I felt so exhausted by them. I kept walking, until I came across the images from my most recent phase. It seemed to intrigue a wave of anger as well as calmness of mind simultaneously. I looked beyond the image. There were two paths lit up with signboards, "Retribution" and "Redemption", respectively followed by a statement, "From here, you are what you choose to be."

I stood there, aware, that the one I choose to follow would decide the course of my remaining journey. I knew that I was certainly very strong not to judge others or to seek vengeance from the evil ones. I knew that the path ahead would reveal the images of what I choose to follow and will be the one that remains with me. I weighed the probabilities and consequences of each path. I wondered about the reasons behind my battles. I wondered why I was still in the battle. As I thought of the previous images of myself that I had seen, and of the direction in which I could steer my ship from there, I realized that the incidents that happened had not been my choice, but the way I carried their consequences had certainly been my choice. I realized that those incidents or their consequences, or the emotions that I felt with them, were not the reasons behind my journey, but had unknowingly become the reasons for my battles.

I realized that the innocence with which the little girl followed unexplored dreams every time she wanted to, was the same that I possessed deep inside, but was overshadowed by the load that I weighed upon myself, and changed the reasons which made me exhausted. I wondered if the journey till now could have been different, had I not steered my ship because of those reasons. And then, it occurred to me that the answer I had been looking for was here itself! I had started my journey for the quest behind my existence, and it certainly had nothing to do with whatever happened on the way. I had to learn, unlearn, re-learn and carry a part of each friend/enemy, good/bad experience as a story and forget it as I moved ahead.

I had my battles to be fought for my reasons, and everyone's actions decide the consequences. I was not meant to frame the consequences for the actions imposed by people/moments. That, after all was the essence of pursuing a journey, which was mine, to discover the world and myself. How could it be made to suffer because of anything that happened on my way to the destination. That was how I was going to win my battles. I made my choice there and smiled to myself, but decided not to follow the path. I had to experience it outside these woods in the world.

Having made my choice, I took one glance behind my shoulders, and wondered if I too would like to come to visit this place some other time. I followed the trail back to where the little girl had left me. She was waiting for me with a smile and a sword, completely fixed now, or probably a new one. We started walking back to the crowded road.
   
                                             


"You walked away a bit too far I guess", she laughed.

"No. I had walked a bit too nearer than earlier", I winked and added," By the way, I know why you didn't want to fix the sword from the broken piece."

She turned back and handed her little plastic sword to me," That's great. You can take mine. I will get one more", she laughed again, as we reached the place where we had met. I smiled at her.

As the road seemed familiar once more, I wondered if her parents would be worried. I turned back to ask her where she had to go. But to my amazement, she was nowhere to be seen! I stood, frozen for  a while. She wasn't a part of a fantasy tale, I thought, as I reached the place where I had been an hour or two back in time that evening. The place was again full of unknown people, giving me my solitude. Yet, there was something soothing about the night.

A cool breeze wavered through my hair, and made the trees around me swing in slow motion, which only added to the beauty of the scene. The leaves remained like whispering audience to me, as if witnessing my moves from a distance. Never in my life had I felt a fading Winter, so refreshing as this one, in February. It was only a few minutes later that I realized there was a mystic aroma in the breeze, a little damp, old and soothing, as if coming from the trail of a distant smoke, or from a forest that had moistened air of the soil. I could smell the lovely atmosphere in my breath!

As I sat peacefully in that moment, I did not remember why I was there, what I was doing, what intrigued me to stop walking for a while and what made me follow that little girl. That was what I was supposed to do, I realized. I had to pursue the journey for myself, unaltered by any external, impure elements in the world. The sanctity of the thought finally made me realize that the answer to my questions was what I had just experienced. It was redemption of the soul from any thing that was impure, and not at all retribution.

The reason for my journey was to be found out, without getting disturbed or distracted from the events that I experienced on my way. They were just meant to be witnessed, and that was my strength as an undefeated warrior. I understood that I had to go on, unperturbed, and that made me feel light inside, cleansed from the heart. As I felt a little surprised and then understood this second instance of a "Reflection" of myself that night, I raised the little plastic sword with pride, without giving a thought to whether she was real or my imagination and continued on my path--enlightened by Redemption now.            

Saturday 23 January 2016

The Cherished Solitude



I have always wondered why most of the people get bored of being alone, why is it that they always enjoy in a company. I feel that God has already created a wonderful soul inside each one of us, then why is it that many people take their solitude as a curse. I do not understand why they give in to anybody they find, just for the sake of having a company. I know time seems more like a friend when in a company, but can't the same time seem blissful when you are alone? How can you expect to enjoy in a company when you try to escape your solitude?

Have you ever tried listening to the voice of your heart, which never gets heard when you are already surrounded by voices. It is only when you are alone, that you can hear the beautiful voice of your own heart, the voice that can never be wrong, the voice that will lead you to your answers. That voice waits for you to sit silently and listen to the world inside you. Ever tried being your own friend for sometime? There lies a world beyond you, to be explored, and it waits to be explored only by you and your solitude.

When I am alone, I love to contemplate upon so many things. Often I sit in silence when I feel a little drained out in crowds, without getting much time to listen to the feeble voices inside my mind. I get the answers to numerous questions boggling at the back of my mind. More often than not, the inability to spend quality time with myself makes me feel suffocated unless I get to be with myself at the end of the day. Yes, I have been termed as an anti-social person quite a lot of times, but I don't mind that. How can you expect someone to be contented when they have not fed their minds with that solitude that calls for them?

What can you even do when you are alone? I have been asked so many times. Each one has a world of his/her own-- a world completely unknown to anyone else. I like to visit that world too. It is refreshing to explore a beautiful world with unlimited energy and aspects and it always makes me awed at the surprises I receive from there. I love to sing and I can listen to the most beautiful voice from my heart. I love to read and I enter an unknown world. I love to write and I often pen down some of the soulful pieces of writing that I've ever written. And there is always something new, which keeps me going on my path. I love to travel alone and I see so many aspects which I hadn't noticed till then.                                   

There is so much to be known in this world of mysteries. There lies a story behind every person I meet, behind every place I visit, behind every written word, behind every action around me,behind every little sign of this universe, and I love to explore it in my solitude; so much that sometimes I don't need anybody around me. I enjoy the bliss in the inner world that I explore at my own choice. It needs nobody else. It never requires me to behave socially. I can be myself in that world, and enter or exit as per my convenience, far beyond the materialistic and superficial world, with divine realizations. In short, I can find my magic moments which otherwise might go unnoticed.

So if you haven't given a thought about spending some quality time alone, enter the world of introspection. Try reading a book alone once. Try writing down your thoughts once. Try singing a song once. Try thinking about your dreams or memories once. Try enjoying the breeze or raindrops once being yourself. Try having a cup of coffee once. Try walking on a beautiful moonlit night outside once, or travelling to an unknown place, or probably to a known place as if you are doing that for the first time. You will be surprised to meet a version of yourself you had never known before....Try it all alone to find the beauty of solitude and you will find yourself . You will find your strengths when you feel lost, your individuality when you feel covered up with illusions.

There remains a light with you that shows up when you look for it inside yourself. Never forget that it is the same light which you will find outside too, amidst all the storms you might have to face. That's the beauty of silence and solitude. You might fall in love with your destiny even though it seems to put up new challenges everyday. The shadows which you see around yourself might be a reflection of what you fear inside yourself. You might be able to face them, accept them, or even win over them. Your faith best shows up in solitude. Never is a person stronger than he/she could be after knowing the beauty of solitude.

There is an addictive pleasure in feeling yourself breathe and wonder how much creativity the universe has invested in building everything around you. Believe me, that world of solitude which you often try to escape, out of your fears is actually blissful. Just visit it once and you will fall in love with it. You can even share it with someone who understands this world. You will find a few like you who carry their secret worlds inside them, and once you have found people like you, you will never feel lonely, sharing the same worlds. You know what, even if you don't find them, you won't need to find anybody, they will just cross your path by coincidences, because you will not fear your solitude any more, you will fall in love with it.

"The journey inside myself seems much more interesting than the one I traverse in the world outside. I am one of those who have covered just a millionth part of it, yet I would never like to stop."